【汉诗英译】当代诗歌英译一首: 三子《阴影在渐渐扩大》

童天鉴日

译作在用词和架构上很讲究。细读中...

木樨黄谷

当今外国人译当今中国诗人的当今诗歌，这是个很好的论题。我们英语水平的确在提升，但我还是那个观点，我们真的把英语的思维也学过来了么？能用英语的母语思维阅读英文诗么？如果不能，便不好由我们来评价译诗的文学接受了。

杨戴已去，这种结合在翻译界委实不容易再次发生，我们需要借用他者之眼进行翻译批评了。

无心剑

回复 木樨黄谷 的帖子

倘若我们做中诗英译，最好让native speakers来读读，看他们是什么感觉。
   

无心剑

呵呵，凑凑热闹吧！

阴影在渐渐扩大

Expanding Shadows

阴影在渐渐扩大，马匹在渐渐到达
一只乌鸦衔走了一个人记忆中的落日--
这只漆黑的鸟，它张开的翅翼把暮色压低
风声慢了下来，马蹄慢了下来
伸向昨天的手慢了下来--
一只乌鸦衔着落日在一个人的胸膛飞翔
阴影在渐渐扩大，他的肺在消失
接着是收缩的胃，虚空的心......
"三十年来，他辜负了多少时光和生活的
教义！"来不及弥补，来不及悔恨
一块漆黑的布帘已把它的喉咙裹紧

horses gradually arrive with expanding shadows
a crow's taken away the setting sun in one's memory--
this pitch-dark bird opens wings to depress the twilight
the wind slows down, the hoofs slow down
the hands stretching for yesterday slow down--
a crow holding the sunset in mouth flies in one's chest
with expanding shadows, his lung is vanishing
and then his shrunk stomach and empty heart......
"in the past thirty years, he's betrayed so much time
and so many doctrines of life!" too late to atone or regret
a pitch-dark drape has enswathed his throat

白沙

各位的探讨让我获益匪浅。期待继续！

无心剑

阴影在渐渐扩大

Expanding Shadow

三子

by Sanzi

阴影在渐渐扩大，马匹在渐渐到达
一只乌鸦衔走了一个人记忆中的落日--
这只漆黑的鸟，它张开的翅翼把暮色压低
风声慢了下来，马蹄慢了下来
伸向昨天的手慢了下来--
一只乌鸦衔着落日在一个人的胸膛飞翔
阴影在渐渐扩大，他的肺在消失
接着是收缩的胃，虚空的心......
“三十年来，他辜负了多少时光和生活的
教义！”来不及弥补，来不及悔恨
一块漆黑的布帘已把它的喉咙裹紧

the horse is arriving with the expanding shadow
a crow's taken away the setting sun in one's memory--
this pitch-dark bird opens wings to depress the twilight
the wind slows down, so do the horse's hoofs
and the hands stretching for yesterday--
a crow holding the sunset in mouth flies in one's chest
with the expanding shadow, his lung is vanishing
and then his shrunk stomach and empty heart......
"in the past thirty years, he's betrayed so much time
and so many doctrines of life!" too late to atone or regret
a pitch-dark drape has already enswathed his throat

译于2010年9月3日。

童天鉴日

无心剑老师的这个译本亦情趣盎然

童天鉴日

呵呵，凑凑热闹吧！

阴影在渐渐扩大

Expanding Shadows

阴影在渐渐扩大，马匹在渐渐到达
一只乌鸦衔走了 ...
无心剑 发表于 2010-9-3 21:44

编入主贴。很好很强大。

无心剑

回复 童天鉴日 的帖子

希望有人来批评拙译。
   

无心剑

阴影在渐渐扩大

Expanding Shadow

三子

by Sanzi

阴影在渐渐扩大，马匹在渐渐到达
一只乌鸦衔走了一个人记忆中的落日--
这只漆黑的鸟，它张开的翅翼把暮色压低
风声慢了下来，马蹄慢了下来
伸向昨天的手慢了下来--
一只乌鸦衔着落日在一个人的胸膛飞翔
阴影在渐渐扩大，他的肺在消失
接着是收缩的胃，虚空的心......
“三十年来，他辜负了多少时光和生活的
教义！”来不及弥补，来不及悔恨
一块漆黑的布帘已把它的喉咙裹紧

the horse is arriving with its shadow expanding
a crow's taken away the setting sun in one's memory--
this pitch-dark bird opens wings to depress the twilight
the wind slows down, so do the horse's hoofs
and the hands stretching for yesterday--
a crow holding the sunset in mouth flies in one's chest
with his shadow expanding, his lung is vanishing
and then his shrunk stomach and empty heart......
"in the past thirty years, he's betrayed so much time
and so many doctrines of life!" too late to atone or regret
a pitch-dark drape has already enswathed his throat

据自娱自乐修改意见，改于2010年10月6日。