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【美诗协网每日一诗选译】布伦达·希尔曼《十二月的月亮》

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发表于 2010-12-6 11:54:56 | 显示全部楼层 |阅读模式
本帖最后由 雨荷风 于 2015-10-8 01:26 编辑

December Moon
by Brenda Hillman

Oak moon, reed moon—
our friend called;
she was telling the pain
what to think.

I said Look. If you
relax you'll get better.

Better? who wants better,
said a moonbeam
under the wire,

the soul is light's
hypotenuse; the lily's
logic is frozen fire—

Suppose you are the secret
of the shore—a strong wave
lying on its side—
you'd come to earth again
(as if joy's understudy
would appear) & you
could live one more bold
day without meaning to,
afresh, on winter's piney floor;
you say, I've been
to the door & wept;
it says, what door

十二月的月亮
       布伦达·希尔曼

橡木月亮,芦苇月亮——
朋友彷徨地称呼着
她缓缓地对我诉说
思念的悲苦

我说:你看
休息一下
就会好起来

好起来?谁想好起来
在金属丝下
月光说

灵魂是光的
弦,百合花的
思想是冰冻的火焰——

猜测你是岸之谜
——一股强浪
在它身边翻起

呵!再次来到这世界
(仿佛出现了一个欢乐的
替代品),而你
会活在再次的勇敢中

无聊的日子流着
直到重新倒影在冬日
那似松的地板上

你说,我已
来到门旁,哭泣着
它说,什么门

宛城卧龙译于2010年12月6日上午11时
选在美国诗协网2010年4月13日更新作品

Brenda Hillman
Brenda Hillman was born in Tucson, Arizona, in 1951. She was educated at Pomona College and received her M.F.A. at the University of Iowa. Her upbringing in a deeply religious Baptist family surfaces in many of her poems, especially in Loose Sugar and the California mission poems of Cascadia.
She is the author of Practical Water (Wesleyan University Press, 2010); Pieces of Air in the Epic (2005); Cascadia (2001); Loose Sugar (1997), which was a finalist for National Book Critic's Circle; Bright Existence (1993), a finalist for Pulitzer Prize; Death Tractates (1992); Fortress (1989); and White Dress (1985). Her poems have also been collected in three chapbooks: The Firecage (2000); Autumn Sojourn (1995); and Coffee, 3 A.M. (1982).
Her work has been called eclectic, mercurial, sensuous, and luminescent. In an interview in Rain Taxi, Hillman said "It is impossible to put boundaries on your words, even if you make a poem. Each word is a maze. So you are full of desire to make a memorable thing and have the form be very dictated by some way that it has to be. But the poem itself is going to undo that intention. It's almost like you're knitting a sweater and something is unraveling it on the other end."
Hillman is also the co-editor, along with Patricia Dienstfrey, of The Grand Permisson: New Writings on Poetics and Motherhood (Wesleyan University Press, 2003), and the editor of a collection of Emily Dickinson's poems published by Shambhala Press in 1995.
She has received awards and fellowships from the Guggenheim Foundation, the National Endowment for the Arts, and the Poetry Society of America, along with a Bay Area Book Reviewer's Award, a Pushcart Prize, and the Delmore Schwartz Memorial Award.
Hillman has taught at the Napa Valley Writer’s Conference and the University of California, Berkeley. She holds the Olivia Filippi Chair in Poetry at St. Mary's College in Moraga, California, and lives in the Bay Area with her husband, the poet Robert Hass.

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 楼主| 发表于 2010-12-6 11:56:35 | 显示全部楼层
本帖最后由 雨荷风 于 2015-10-8 01:26 编辑

这两日最新更新的几首英文诗歌,感觉很难翻译,就没动。找了4月13日的一首更新诗歌,翻译 起来似乎好一点。

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发表于 2010-12-8 13:55:48 | 显示全部楼层
本帖最后由 雨荷风 于 2015-10-8 01:26 编辑

1.没有“彷徨地”
2.没有“缓缓地”
3.没有“思念”
4..出现了――会出现
5.替代品――替身
day without meaning to,
合译成一句,day 是上一行里的宾语。
without meaning to
不是“无聊的日子流着”
7.直到~~倒影,有些莫名其妙。
――――――――――
兄尝试翻译这样的诗歌很好,我是非常支持的,
越是费解越是要攻它。
―――――――――
建议,尽量放开手脚,遵照原句对译,先不管效果。
“效果”等翻译出来初稿后再看,仍然困惑就挂到
论坛上,让大家品,或参与校正。
―――――――――
这是一首很美的当代体诗歌,你已经翻译出了它的神韵。

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有道理  发表于 2010-12-9 20:25
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发表于 2010-12-8 13:57:43 | 显示全部楼层
本帖最后由 雨荷风 于 2015-10-8 01:26 编辑

这两日最新更新的几首英文诗歌,感觉很难翻译,就没动。找了4月13日的一首更新诗歌,翻译 起来似乎好一点。 ...[/quote]
继续翻译,要知难而进,我们不能总停留在前人的风格和思维上,这样论坛才能更早一天走向天下。我陪着你操练。

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发表于 2010-12-9 20:16:34 | 显示全部楼层
本帖最后由 雨荷风 于 2015-10-8 01:26 编辑

Oak moon, reed moon—
our friend called;
she was telling the pain
what to think.
I said Look. If you
relax you'll get better.
这种短句诗歌,可以翻译成民歌体,或参差体(如词非词),或豆腐干体(含旧体、打油体),每句不长,要有跳跃感,需增加韵脚。比如节选上面的试译如下:
胖月亮,瘦月亮——
如此被调侃
不停诉苦的玉盘
思忖着,苦恼着
你看,你看
要淡定,淡定才能欣欢

有点调侃了,好像这样轻快的翻译跟后面不太着调。
此外,汉语诗歌里尽量避免出现第一人称,要达到无我境界,才合乎诗理。
另外,最后一节里感觉省略了什么东西,或者隐藏着什么东西。恩,太难了

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