【诗歌讨论】Returning ----- David Wagoner

Rhapsodia

按：唐凯先生在周先生《爱的印章》翻译贴里，把这首诗歌提出来，回应周先生的“先锋晕头诗”。这首诗通篇没有标点，很难断句，主谓、定状的关系要仔细推敲才能弄清楚。而关键的问题是，诗里的“they”到底是什么？也就是诗歌写的是什么？是云？是雨？是水？是鱼？这里另起一帖，主要是不想继续在周先生的帖子下捣乱。希望大家参与讨论。
Returning       ---- David Wagoner
At the brim of a deep pool before the rapids
below that stone stairway for days overhead
the under-sheen of the other world turning darker
lighter again still holding the first taste
of rain from the mountainside moving once more
to scale the shallowing ridge fishtailing over
down to the end of a deeper pool where the river
is windstorming around them among whirling
alder roots into what guides them lifts them
constantly toward colder water leaping
above a leaping whiteness swirling from blue
green light to a wash of silver current again
again again returning they plunge upstream.
---- from "Poetry Daily" Sept. 25, 2010

Rhapsodia

先分句吧，用逗号，因为它是一句话，一口气连下来，这是诗歌故意要让读者体会这个return是怎样的一个过程。
其中有多个动名词，有些是做动词用的现在分词形式，省略了系动词，另有很多是伴随状态的动作。我用括号加上一些词，帮助我自己理解和翻译。另外在一些句子后面写了些自己的感受和看法。
At the brim of a deep pool before the rapids,
below that stone stairway for days, overhead, （stone stairway 是水下，一阶一阶类似台阶的石头， 石阶）
the under-sheen of the other world (is) turning darker, （under 我理解是不足、不够的意思，under-sheen 不够亮，光不足）
lighter again, still holding the first taste （lighter乌云经落雨之后，会变亮，但仍保存着形成雨的水滴原型（first taste））
of rain, （which is）from the mountainside moving once more
to scale the shallowing ridge, fishtailing over(and) （以俯瞰的视角，观察雨水形成的溪流顺山坡而下，像给山脊剥去鳞片，诸多小溪汇成河流的图景很形象的比喻为鱼尾，而且还用了动词形式！形象、生动。）
down to the end of a deeper pool, where the river
is windstorming around them, (and) among whirling
alder roots, into what guides them lifts them
constantly toward colder water, leaping
above a leaping whiteness, swirling from blue （大浪翻卷，白涛滚滚，你看跳动着的白色水波上，它们不是在跳跃么？不尽赞叹一声：写得真漂亮！ 两个leaping的重复不但无损诗意，反而加强了。）
green light to a wash of silver current again,
again, again, returning they plunge upstream.

童天鉴日

童天晕了...再读中