【natural lanneret】

嘉木子

          /Garmo
See!and deeply see,could you see a soft linnet
Lightly hop on a branch,with autumn in its mouth
To peck natural enternal life,but i descry a net
Assail its plumage, and hastily spread to the south.
Yet i find a lanneret in midnight,but never！
Adieu!adieu! your deceptious mask how sagacious!
O,but i sight,darkness would decay for ever;
The sun rising from deep and serene valley looks so gorgeous!

童天鉴日

nice poem !

嘉木子

不知语法有没有错误呢
当局者迷，旁观者清，各位请教哦，悬赏中……:)

嘉木子

net、lanneret 为隐喻
how your deceptious mask so sagacious!为反语，带讽刺
背景为全球金融危机席卷全球，祸及中国这只雄鹰，而正是这只雄鹰如同崛起的太阳给世界带来了希望……

周道模

You can use "soft"  instead of the word "softly".

嘉木子

yes
"soft" is adj.,but "softly" is adv.
thank you:)

自娱自乐

原帖由 嘉木子 于 2009-4-23 22:18:00 发表
net、lanneret 为隐喻
how your deceptious mask so sagacious!为反语，带讽刺
背景为全球金融危机席卷全球，祸及中国这只雄鹰，而正是这只雄鹰如同崛起的太阳给世界带来了希望……

how 是修饰形容词的，或者可用 what 来修饰名词
For instance, "how deceptious your mask is" or "what a deceptious mask it is"
or in this order - your deceptious mask how sagacious, or simply chop that 'how' - "your deceptious mask so sagacious"
Hope it helps

自娱自乐

原帖由 嘉木子 于 2009-4-22 16:54:00 发表

Sun rose up from deep and serene valley so gorgeous!

why definite article before "sun" missing? Any reasons please? If not used, initially I thought it might be a person's surname.
why not rise?
try - the sun rising from deep and serene valley (is / looks) so gorgeous!

Enjoy your poem, for its emotive context is very beautiful indeed!

自娱自乐

原帖由 嘉木子 于 2009-4-22 16:54:00 发表

【natural lanneret】自然之鹰.

With regard to this title, do you virtually want to tell your readers this lanneret is a real one rather than a fake one?

嘉木子

原帖由 自娱自乐 于 2009-4-26 17:00:00 发表
[quote] 原帖由 嘉木子 于 2009-4-22 16:54:00 发表

Sun rose up from deep and serene valley so gorgeous![/color......

自娱兄提了很多宝贵的意见，嘉木受益菲浅啊，看后我觉得兄说得挺合理的；谢谢兄指出诗中语法错误，呵，我说过悬赏的，因不知怎样才能把中诗币给兄呢，先为兄记下15个币的欠单了