旧作新译 七绝 夜宿江北山庄四首之第四首

青衫来客

Don't blame the wind and rain for erosion of the golden time
My glorious achievement in the past made me the warring god
Don't expect the retirement before building up my own Rome
So far I‘m not all envious of the unoccupied with a fishing rod
休云风雨蚀青春，
壮举几多誉战神。
夙愿未酬难解甲，
至今犹不羡垂纶。

周道模

Congratulate you on your bright past!  
I've taken this phrase "build up one's own Rome", thanks!

青衫来客

原帖由 周道模 于 2009-6-24 6:49:00 发表
Congratulate you on your bright past!  
I've taken this phrase "build up one's own Rome", thanks!

Thanks a lot for your reading and praising.

自娱自乐

原帖由 青衫来客 于 2009-6-23 17:25:00 发表
Don't blame the wind and rain for erosion of the golden time

don't need that 'the', I believe.

自娱自乐

原帖由 青衫来客 于 2009-6-23 17:25:00 发表
My glorious achievement in the past made me the warring god

Well, in general, any type of achievement will be regarded as the glory, I deem.

自娱自乐

原帖由 青衫来客 于 2009-6-23 17:25:00 发表
Don't expect the retirement before building up my own Rome

这句有创意，赞一个！

自娱自乐

原帖由 青衫来客 于 2009-6-23 17:25:00 发表

So far I‘m not all envious of the unoccupied with a fishing rod
至今犹不羡垂纶。

Do you actually imply you are a little bit envious of or not at all? I reckon you mean the latter, right?

'the unoccupied'? I gather you mean 'bludger' or 'idler', yes or no?

自娱自乐

Well, time doesn't rhyme with rome, albeit both of them end with 'me', I am sorry, strictly speaking. Surely, you are absolutely entitled to your opinion in
regard to 'rhyme'.
Luckily, you don't have to rhyme the first line with the second one in terms of what yishi said before, so it is ok to leave it as it is.
But if you would like to rhyme, well, then my tentative suggestion for you is that you could swap your erosion of with erode or wear, for both of them can
take 'away' with them, so that you might be able to chance a good rhyming.
For instance, 'away' ----'retirement day'
god - rod -----very good! 赞一个！

青衫来客

time--Rome, half rhyme? yes, it is
I have to go over all your word and talk with you later. I keep obliged  to all your scrutinization of my piece.

青衫来客

By the way, I have completed the translation of 《The clove》and you will see it this afternoon or evening.