致歉与修正！Sir Edward Dyer 《我的思想是我的国度》

靳乾

我的思想是我的国度
译者：Tanya
原作：Sir Edward Dyler
我的思想对我是一个国度；
从中找到了现在的欢乐快活，
那是超越一切的喜悦幸福，
为大地所赐及成长的收获。
即使我缺失的却是最应拥有，
思想却禁止我再渴望贪求。
不要王侯般的浮华，财富的宝藏，
不要为获取胜利野蛮的权力，
不要抚慰痛苦的狡诈伎俩，
不要博得同情目光去伪装刻意，
任何一个我都不会奴隶般的屈服。
因为我的思想为我一切祈福。
我常常看到富足如何成了煎熬，
而那些急功近利的人很快摔倒；
我看到高高在上的人如何招摇，
而大部分因不幸的威胁而动摇；
他们艰辛地得到却在恐惧中难保。
而思想却从未让我在担忧里停靠。
知足于生活是我一直以来的坚持；
能够达到满意就不再索求；
敦促自己不要傲慢霸势；
看，我所匮乏的思想为我弥留；
瞧，因此我如国王般的统领，
满足在思想带来的纷呈。
有些人已有太多，却依然贪求；
我只有一点，却不再要更多。
他们贫穷即是很多已有，
我却富裕虽并没有什么。
他们穷，我富；他们乞讨，我则付出；
他们匮乏，我则剩下；他们憔悴，我则幸福。
有些人权衡快乐通过欲望，
把狂暴的意愿归于他们的智慧；
积攒财富成了他们唯一的信仰；
虚伪的诡诈却成了他们技艺的储备。
但我所搜寻所有快乐的时光，
就是让我思想的国度平静与安康。

我不嘲笑别人的失去；
我也不嫉妒别人的获得；
世俗的波涛也不能颠覆我的思绪；
因为我的立场永远固定为一个。
我不畏惧敌人，不谄媚同窗；
我不憎恶生命，也不恐惧死亡。
我的财富是健康和完美地悠闲；
我的良心就是用看来保我平安；
我即不通过贿赂获得青睐，
也不靠欺骗滋生事端。
我生亦如此，死亦如此。
能否所有人的行为与我一致。

修正版

My Mind to Me a Kingdom Is

By Sir Edward Dyer

My mind to me a kingdom is;
Such present joy therein I find
That it excels all other bliss
That earth affords or grows by kind.
Though much I want which most would have,
Yet still my mind forbids to crave.
No princely pomp, nor wealthy store,
No force to win a victory,
No wily wit to salve a sore,
No shape to feed a loving eye;
To none of these I yield as thrall,
For why? my mind despise them all.
I see how plenty suffers oft,
And hasty climbers soon do fall;
I see that those which are aloft
Mishap doth threaten most of all.
They get with toil and keep with fear;
Such cares my mind can never bear.
Content I live, this is my stay
I seek no more than may suffice;
I press to bear no haughty sway;
Look, what I lack my mind supplies.
Lo ! thus I triumph like a king,
Content with that my mind doth bring.
Some have too much, yet still do crave;
I little have, and seek no more.
They are but poor, though much they have,
And I am rich with little store.
They poor, I rich;They beg, I give;
They lack, I leave; They pine, I live
I laugh not at another's loss,
I grudge not at another's gain;
No worldly waves my mind can toss;
My state at one doth still remain.
I fear no foe, I fawn on friend,
I loathe not life, nor dread mine end.
Some weigh their pleasure by their lust,
Their wisdom by their rage of will;
Their treasure is their only trust
Acloaked crft their store of skill.
But all the pleasure that I find
Is to maintain a quiet mind.

My wealth is health and perfect ease,
My conscience clear my chief defence;
I neither seek by bribes to please,
Nor by desert to breed offense.
Thus do I live; thus will I die,--
Would all did so as well as I!

天路客

欣赏新作 欢迎新朋友
其实我也是新来滴:D
Nor by desert to give offence.
这句可以再斟酌吗:)

靳乾

原帖由 天路客 于 2009-8-15 15:15:00 发表
欣赏新作 欢迎新朋友
其实我也是新来滴:D
Nor by desert to give offence.
这句可以再斟酌吗:)  

十分感谢朋友天路客！很抱歉自己的不用心。英文版是从网络上查出粘贴的，如果依网络上的版本的话，觉得desert 应取义“赏罚功过”，试改为：“也不邀功请赏滋生事端”，这样可否？
而发现自己课本上的版本为Nor by deceit to breed offence.这样的话是否能那样翻译？请赐教:share:

天路客

按你的课本当然可以，但网络版的desert太费解了，赏罚功过和邀功请赏好像不是一回事。希望有人出来考证一下正确的版本并提供翻译，呵呵。

周道模

诗比较长，不好每句细读。第一段：有句子翻译不准或有意修改了。
Which God or nature hath assign'd
“为大地所赐及成长的收获”？

青衫来客

My mind to me a kingdom is;
Such perfect joy therein I find
That it excels all other bliss
Which God or nature hath assign'd
你的翻译从语法上对于原文的理解存在问题，therein I findThat it excels all other bliss是perfect joy的定语，而Which God or nature hath assign'd又是That it excels all other bliss的定语。因此应该这样翻译：
我的思想是我的一个王国
我从那里找到完全的快乐
这快乐超越了上帝和自然
所能给予我的一切的喜悦
总体来看，翻译的还是不错的，尽管有些地方值得商榷。希望经常交流！

靳乾

首先，十分感谢天路客，周道模，青衫来客三位前辈对此拙译的关注和专业的指正！觉得你们的眼光十分犀利，有感于你们强悍的诗歌翻译素养。觉得自己能发现这里，得到你们的指导，并能向你们学习，真的十分幸运和荣幸！
再次，我需要向前辈们道歉！首先以天路客前辈所说的最后一个诗节，因为版本问题，所以颇有异议，所以在最后诗节对照了课文版本进而改之。而周道摸和青衫来客前辈所指正的第一诗节，也是处于版本错误。因为诗歌过长，所以直接从网络粘连没有比对。觉得自己这样的粗心和不严谨，耽误了前辈们的宝贵时间，感到非常的抱歉。也吸取了教训，在其他的帖子中，我都是比对好版本，才进行发表。不会再出以上的低级错误，恳请前辈们的原谅！:<
最后，我参照所学习的教材《英国诗歌教程（文艺复兴时期）》为版本，特此进行更正。

靳乾

My Mind to Me a Kingdom Is
By Sir Edward Dyer
My mind to me a kingdom is;
Such perfect joy therein I find
That it excels all other bliss
Which God or nature hath assign'd.
Though much I want that most would have,
Yet still my mind forbids to crave.
No princely port, nor wealthy store,
No force to win a victory,
No wily wit to salve a sore,
No shape to win a loving eye;
To none of these I yield as thrall,--
For why? my mind despise them all.
I see that plenty surfeit oft,
And hasty climbers soonest fall;
I see that such as are aloft
Mishap doth threaten most of all.
These get with toil and keep with fear;
Such cares my mind can never bear.
I press to bear no haughty sway,
I wish no more than may suffice,
I do no more than well I may,
Look, what I want my mind supplies.
Lo ! thus I triumph like a king,
My mind content with anything.
I laugh not at another's loss,
Nor grudge not at another's gain;
No worldly waves my mind can toss;
I brook that is another's bane.
I fear no foe, nor fawn on friend,
I loathe not life, nor dread mine end.
My wealth is health and perfect ease,
And conscience clear my chief defence;
I never seek by bribes to please,
Nor by desert to give offence.
Thus do I live, thus will I die,--
Would all did so as well as I!

青衫来客

网络上的东西谬误很多，从网上摘的东西最好能在核实一下。风雅诗词那边也出现过类似问题，一个版主的作品常识性出律，就是因为网上提供的资料是不准确的。不过，你的态度还是很认真的，能够自己发现问题。