【汉英双语】《冬泳》诗/无心剑

无心剑

冬泳
Winter Swimming
雪花舞寒枝，
飞鸟藏影踪。
男儿战激流，
豪气向天冲。
Over cold twigs snowflakes flutter,
Here and there we see no birds fly.
The man fights the running water,
His heroic spirit rushes to the sky.
2008年12月11日。

The cold twigs see snow in flight,
The birds hide, none in my sight.
The torrent the brave men fight,
The heroism soars to the height.

译于2009年12月29日。
【铁冰译本】
On cold twigs dance flakes of snow;
Anywhere no birds fly.
Men brave in running flow；
Lofty spirits rush to sky.
【自娱自乐译本】
Snowflakes dance around cold boughs,
And flying birds hide away to rehouse.
Yet men love to challenge the torrent,
Unto the sky dash their spirits gallant.

铁_冰

雪花舞寒枝，
飞鸟藏影踪。
男儿战激流，
豪气向天冲。
On cold twigs dance flakes of snow;
Anywhere no birds fly.
Men brave in running flow；
Lofty spirits rush to sky.

自娱自乐

雪花舞寒枝，
飞鸟藏影踪。
男儿战激流，
豪气向天冲。
Snowflakes dance around cold boughs,
And flying birds hide away to rehouse.
Yet men love to challenge the torrent,
Unto the sky dash their spirits gallant.

铁_冰

good job！

无心剑

看见两位高手参与，无心剑真的很高兴！

无心剑

冬泳
Winter Swimming
雪花舞寒枝，
飞鸟藏影踪。
男儿战激流，
豪气向天冲。
The cold twigs see snow in flight,
Here and there no birds in sight.
The torrent the brave men fight,
Their lofty spirits soar to height.
译于2009年12月29日。

铁_冰

华兄一韵到底，妙极！
第二行要是以也和其他3行一样以T开头，就更棒了。

无心剑

The cold twigs see snow in flight,
The birds hide, none in my sight.
The torrent the brave men fight,
Their lofty spirits soar to height.

自娱自乐

原帖由 无心剑 于 2009-12-29 15:23:00 发表
The cold twigs see snow in flight,
The birds hide, none in my sight.
The torrent the brave men fight,
Their lofty spirits soar to height.

呵呵呵，头韵加尾韵，妙哉！
提个建议：how about putting 'lofty' before height?
"The' is also needed regardless whether it is lofty height or not, I reckon.
the lofty height

无心剑

谢谢自娱兄指点。最后一句译文改成 Their heroism soars to the height.