【中诗英译】《拯救》 文/若与 译/晚枫

Rhapsodia

《拯救》   
——若与
我手里有一个男孩
丑陋，或美丽
他手里有石子
他用它打碎了窗子的玻璃
我知道，这是不够的
他手里有头
他用它销毁了房屋的窗子
我知道，这是不够的
他手里有推土机
他用它摊平了我的房屋
我知道，这是不够的
他必须和我谈拢
我才会像一块冰
在他倔强的热烈中融化
但他还得准备一个
丑陋，或美丽
的容器
把我盛放
但这也是不够的
一切安静的灵魂
必如他一样
2010.12.1
Salvation
by Ruoyu
tr Rhapsodia
In my hand there’s a boy
Ugly or pretty
In his hand there’s a stone
With it he breaks the glass of the window
I know, it’s not enough though
In his hand there’s a hoe
With it he destroys the window of the house
I know, it’s not enough though
In his hand there’s a bulldozer
With is he flattens my house
I know, it’s not enough
He must make up with me
So to make me melt like ice
In his obstinate zest
But he has to prepare
A container
Ugly or pretty
To take me
Still it’s not enough
Until every peaceful soul
Is to be like his
Dec. 1, 2010

木樨黄谷

组合了下，更容易对照比较阅读
晚枫君译得流利通畅，欣赏！
另有三处与君商议：
“手里”这个词汉语里多解，翻译过来不能全都in sb's hands，比如推土机，on hand是否更好一点？当然原诗是在此有意重复，为忠实起见in sb‘s hands 也挺好；
推土机下一行 with is， with it，也是手误O(∩_∩)O~；
用容器把我盛放，container，盛放译作contain不更好么，既可以造成双关，还可以强调container，正好呼应这个译词。
晚枫君觉得呢

童天鉴日

我来学习下，恩

Rhapsodia

Salvation
by Ruoyu
tr Rhapsodia
I have a boy in my hand
Ugly or pretty
In his a stone
With it he breaks my window glass
I know it is not all
He has a hoe in his hands
With it he destroys my house window
I know it is not all
He has a bulldozer in his hands
With it he flattens my house
I know, it is not all
He must make up with me
So to make me melt like ice
In his obstinate zest
But he has to prepare
A container
Ugly or pretty
To hold me in
Still it is not all
Until every peaceful soul
Has to be like his
Dec. 1, 2010

唐凯

第七行论坛12月份只有两首诗歌被加为精华，一首是若与的这首《拯救》，另一首恰是晚枫的原创《数》。哈，年终这点喜庆都让你一个人沾了。
好的诗歌是无以言说的，那么你的翻译我就更外行了，还是听大家的。

周道模

这首诗有探索。在反映现实、揭示生活真相的同时罩一点魔幻的色彩。妙！