【译诗点评】評王之渙“登鸛雀樓”14種英譯

海外逸士

白日依山盡﹐黃河入海流。欲窮千里目﹐更上一層樓。
(“依山盡”要譯出意境較難。下面翻譯裡﹐譯不出這意境的不是好譯。從下面譯例
看﹐“依山”基本上都譯成在山後面或那邊。只有一例動詞基本達意﹐但還不最確
切。見下面分析。這首詩基本語言接近白話﹐在譯古人詩詞裡﹐應該沒有語言困難。
但為什麼絕大多數都沒譯好呢﹖這就與英文表達水平有關﹐與英文的深度廣度有關。
我發現許多人學英文﹐沒有鑽到深度裡去。大部份停留在大陸架上。所以譯不出
“依山”的意境。我的經驗和體會是﹕拿到古詩詞﹐先把語言困難弄清楚﹐隨後閉
目遐思﹐在腦中構成詩的場景﹐再用文字確切地表達。至於確切優美與否﹐就決定
於文字功力的深淺了。)
Climbing White Stork Tower--WHITE一詞多餘
The midday sun slips behind mountains 白日將盡﹐居然說MIDDAY。大錯
The Yellow River turns for the sea
Trying to see for a thousand miles
I climb one more story 譯得馬馬虎虎
(tr. by Bill Porter) 丙等
An Ascent to Stork Hall--HALL有樓之意嗎﹖
The setting sun behind the mountains glows, 依山﹐不是在山後
The muddy Yellow River seawards flows.--MUDDY多餘
If more distant views are what you desire, 不簡潔
You simply climb up a storey higher.
（tr. by 徐忠杰）丙等
On the Stork Tower 登字是動詞﹐沒譯出
The sun beyond the mountains glows; 依山﹐不是在山那邊
The Yellow River seawards flows.
You can enjoy a grander sight 千里沒譯出
By climbing to a greater height.一層沒譯出
( tr. by 許淵沖) 丙等
On the Stork Tower 登字是動詞﹐沒譯出
The mountain is eating away the setting sun; 這個譯法別致﹐是依山的意境嗎﹖
但依山表示的是靜態﹐eating away 是動態。
Going seawards the Yellow River is on the run.--GOING﹐ON THE RUN﹐意思重
複
If you desire to have a good and boundless sight, 是千里﹐不是boundless﹐
good多餘
Come to the upper storey, by climbing one more flight!前後兩部份意思重複
(tr. by 吳鈞陶) 丙等
Upward譯題不對
Westward the sun, ending the day's journey in a slow descent behind the
mountains. 不簡潔。依山﹐只能譯成BEHIND嗎﹖
Eastward the Yellow River, emptying into the sea.
To look beyond, unto the farthest horizon,--HORIZON已經在地球盡頭了﹐不需
farthest 一詞﹐BEYOND多餘
Upward! Up another storey!
(tr. by 翁顯良)丙等
On the Stork Tower 登字是動詞﹐沒譯出
As daylight fades away along the hill, 意思與原文出入太大
The Yellow River flows into the sea. 這句確切
To look for views of a thousand li away,--AWAY多餘
Go mounting another storey of the Tower--GO多餘
(Translator unknown)丙等
題缺(Title is omitted)
The white sun sets behind mountains.依山未譯出﹐BEHIND不妥
The yellow River flows into the sea.這句確切﹐但Y 沒大寫
Go further up one flight of stairs.
And you'll widen your view a thousand Li.意思不錯﹐句序顛倒了
(tr. by 雅紫軒)丙-
AT HERON LODGE題錯譯
Mountains cover the white sun,知道動詞COVER的意思嗎﹖大錯
And oceans drain the golden river黃﹐不是金色
But you widen your view three hundred miles千里﹐不是三百。BUT不妥
By going up one flight of stairs.
(Translator unknown)丁等
On the stork tower登字是動詞﹐沒譯出
The sun along the mountain bows;BOW不是依山之意。ALONG在這裡什麼意思﹖ 
The yellow river seawards flows.
You will enjoy a grander sight;千里沒譯出
By climbing to a greater height.一層沒譯出
(Translator unknown)丙等
Ascends the stork building題中動詞不需S﹐名詞要大寫
Leaning on the mountains splendidly is the sinking sun--SPLENDIDLY多餘。
LEANING雖有依的意思﹐並非上選﹐因含傾斜概念
Inpouring the ocean sublimely is the golden river--INPOURING非動詞。SUBLIMELY多
餘。黃﹐不是金色
Craving to exhaust the thousand-mile prospect is your love太嚕囌。
And you'll widen your view a thousand Li.
(tr. by 小琪)丙等
Stepping up the Stork-Watchtower這個樓是Watchtower嗎﹖
The hilltop kissing the setting-sun,依山盡﹐不是在山頂
The Yellow River flows to the ocean.
Stepping up a still higher building,一層樓﹐不是building
You may enjoy the far sightseeing.句序顛倒。千里未譯出
(tr. by 朱曼華)丙等
Ascending Guanque Tower
The white sun behind the mountain falls,--FALL動作太快了吧。BEHIND不妥
The Yellow River into the seas flows.只有這句較確切
In order to take in a boundless view,是千里﹐不是boundless
Ascend another floor.
（tr. by 任治稷、余正）丙+
Ascending the Heron Tower--HERON不是鸛雀
The sun behind the western hills glows,--GLOW不是依山。BEHIND不妥。
And toward the sea the Yellow River flows.入海﹐不是TOWARD
Wish you an endless view to cheer your eyes?千里﹐不是endless。後半部份多
餘
Then one more story mount and higher rise.重複
（tr. by 蔡廷干）丙等
Atop the Stork Pavilion Lookout譯題不確切
From the pavilion one sees the sun setting behind the mountains,不確切﹐
又嚕囌
Unrelentingly towards the sea the Yellow River flows;入海不是TOWARDS﹐Unrelentingly多
餘
In order to see thousands of miles further afield,
To a higher level one must go.
(tr. by 南緯28°   )     丙等
(說明﹕以上各譯文是從網上錄下﹐如有謬誤﹐請知者告之以便更正。)
本人譯如下﹕
Up On Stork Tower
The setting sun clings to hill's knees,--CLING有依偎之意﹐日落將盡﹐應在
山坡處﹐可用SLOPE﹐但為押韻﹐故用KNEES
And Yellow River flows to seas.
If wish for longer view over miles,為了METER﹐RHYME﹐丟掉千里之意。
Then get on floor above, oh, please!同理﹐多加了OH﹐PLEASE
所以﹐用METER﹐RHYME譯法﹐常會增減原文意思。現在換種譯法﹕
The setting sun clings to the hillside,
The Yellow River flows into the sea.
If wish for a sight over a thousand li,
Then go up on one more floor.

周道模

经验谈很好，学习。