本帖最后由 雨荷风 于 2015-10-7 20:04 编辑
(一句中文可有好多譯法﹐就算沒譯錯﹐亦以簡潔確切達意為佳。故以此為評論原則。
)
山不在高，有仙則名。 水不在深，有龍則靈。斯是陋室，惟吾德馨。 苔痕上階綠，
草色入帘青。談笑有鴻儒，往來無白丁。可以調素琴，閱金經。 無絲竹之亂耳，無
案牘之勞形。南陽諸葛廬，西蜀子云亭。 孔子云：“何陋之有？”
1) An Epigraph in Praise of My Humble Home
A mountain needn't be high; It is famous so long as there is a deity on
it. A lake needn't be deep; It has supernatural power so long as there is
a dragon in it. My home is humble, But it enjoys the fame of virtue so long
as I am living in it. The moss creeping onto the doorsteps turns them green.
The color of the grass reflected through the bamboo curtains turns the room
blue. Erudite scholars come in good spirits to talk with me, And among my
guests there is no unlearned common man. In this humble room, I can enjoy
playing my plainly decorated qin, or read the Buddhist Scriptures quietly,Without
the disturbance of the noisy that jar on the ears, or the solemn burden
of reading official documents. My humble home is like the thatched hut of
Zhuge Liang of Nanyang, or the Pavilion Ziyun of Xishu. Confucius once said:
"How could we call a room humble as long as there is a virtuous man in it?"
(羅經國) 首二句構成平行﹐結構處理較好。但太嚕囌﹐就沒了氣勢和節奏感。“草
色”句﹐譯文說整個房間都青了﹐太誇張。應該是從內透過簾子向外看﹐一片青色。
談笑與 in good spirits 有出入的。不確切。往來之意並非只指guests。不確切。
In this humble room多餘。Scripture大寫就指聖經。這裡要大寫嗎﹖應該用noise﹐
of後須用名詞。jar後應該加s﹐第三人稱單數。都屬低級語法錯誤。solemn多餘。
“勞形”沒譯出來。Liang原文沒有。of應該改成in Nanyang。Pavilion後面需加of。
後面的of也應改成in。總之﹐除了不簡潔﹐還有語法錯誤。當然談不上節奏感與氣
勢。丁等。
2) AN EPIGRAPH FOR MY HUMBLE ROOM
A mountain has a fame not for its height, but for a deity being in it. A
lake has a spirit not for its depth, but for a dragon being in it. My room,
although simple and humble, is famous for my virtues. Here, moss kisses
the steps, and green grass catches the eyes. Confabbing here are all erudite
men but shallow people. Here I can play my undecorated qin (a Chinese zither),
and read diamond sutra, neither interrupted by such noises as from those
silk-string and woodwind instruments, nor exhausted by official documents.
My room, famous for my virtues, like Zhuge Liang's Thatched Cottage in Nanyang
and Ziyun's Pavilion in western Shu, is just described as Confucius said:"How
can such a room be simple and humble?"
(Tr by Yan Linhai) 開頭兩句雖能用平行結構﹐但太嚕囌。spirit 一詞用錯。這
裡不是指精靈﹐是指靈異﹐靈氣。“馨”不是famous。“苔痕”“草色”兩句有點
亂譯。後兩句也亂譯。好的譯法至少應該用平行句﹐以對應原文。“金”指金櫃﹐
藏佛經用的。金經代指佛經。不能用diamond﹐理解錯誤﹐因而用詞錯誤。總之﹐不
簡潔﹐還有各種錯誤。丁等
3) An Eulogium on a Humble Cell--CELL一詞不能指文中之陋室
A mount needs not be high; it becomes noted when on it fairies dwell. A
body of water needs not be deep; it would be ensouled, if a dragon makes
it its resting whereabouts. This hut of mine is a humble one, but I make
it virtuously fragrant in repute. The green moss creeping on the stepping
stones and the verdure in the courtyard peeing through the screen do tell
the presence of spring. Here could be heard the table-talks and laughters
of renowned scholars, but the rough and gross come not hither their wares
to sell. Here plain table-heptachord could be plucked and golden classics
read the worldly cares to quell. But there are without riotous strings and
pipes to confuse the ears, and tedious official documents to ring quietude's
knell.
Zhuge's recluse cottage at Nanyang and Yang Xiong's hermit arbour in West
Shu, — according to Confucius, wherefore could either one of them be branded
as a humble cell?
(stephen) Tr. August 17, 1980 mount一詞現在基本用在山名前或詩中﹐這裡以mountain較
妥。說明這位譯者對確切選用詞彙沒有概念。開頭四句原文就沒譯好。非但不簡潔﹐
句間銜接也不好。resting whereabouts讀上去怪怪的。說明譯者還不懂詞彙的搭配
問題。其後的翻譯就是亂譯﹐且嚕囌。已失去句句點評的興趣。總之﹐不及格。
4) Inscription For My Shabby Hut
Mountains need not always be high, They're famed if therein fairies abide.
Waters need not always be deep, They'e hallowed where dragons are spied.
This is a simple, mean abode,
Only my virtue lends it fragrance. Moss smears a fringe of green upon The
stone steps forming the terrace; And peering through the screen, there throbs
The emerald of the lush grass. Great scholars drop in casually, And talk
and laugh in abandoned ways; While in this cordial company Nonentities have
ne'er a place. The ancient zither we might play, Or golden-lettered scriptures
peruse. No concert bands our ears confuse, And no official files await Our
tackling—to excruciate. To Zhuge's cottage at Nanyang, Or Ziyun's pavilion
in Sichuan, mine may well be compared. So, as Confucius once had said, "How
could it be considered mean?"
(孫大雨) hallowed非靈之意。forming the terrace多餘。不知為什麼“草”要用
動作詞來做謂語。in abandoned ways形容過度﹐原文無此意。golden-lettered指
金(經)﹐理解錯誤。總之﹐不簡潔﹐結構不對應。不是好譯。在我以往的評論中﹐
常發現有些名人的翻譯也有不足之處。想來他們的英文應該已經達到了高水平﹐可
能他們沒以認真嚴肅的態度來對待經典詩詞古文的翻譯。丙等
本人英譯﹕
Eulogy on My Humble Abode
Known will hills be if fairies dwell, no matter high or low; and charmed
will waters be if dragons lurk, no matter deep or shallow. A humble abode
though this is, my virtues make it smell sweet. Verdant are the stonesteps
overgrown with moss, and green seems the screen as the grass seen through
it. I chat and laugh only with great scholars and have no intercourse with
the ignorant. I can play simple zither and read Buddhist sutras; no string
and bamboo instruments to grate on my ears and no government documents to
weary my mortal form. That's what like Zhuge's cottage in Nanyang and Ziyun'
s pavilion in Xishu as Confucius quoth, "How canth it be humble?"
自評﹕原文首四句這樣譯法﹐雖然不對應﹐但有氣勢﹐有較強節奏感﹐並且low 與
shallow 押韻。現在按對應的譯法﹐在這裡補充一下﹕
Hills, no matter how high, will be known if fairies dwell. Waters, no matter
how deep, will be charmed有靈異 if dragons lurk.
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发表于 2011-8-27 21:24:10