得海外先生建议,贴旧作一篇,供大家猛砍.

童天鉴日

A Never-forgotten Year
                                             
Here I will tell you a long story of mine. Whether you believe it or not, it is a really true one.
      
That was in 1996,when I was at high school, I came to like literature.Moreover I came to write literature, such as poetry, prose etc. In my opinion, some of them were very excellent and they could be published in some magazines or newspapers to public. So I sent a beautiful, good poem of mine to an editor of a newspaper press.
      
From then on, I began to wait for the letter from him or her. But within the first month since I had contributed to the newspaper, I had never heart of the editor. I was very angry. My verse was so beautiful that it was possible to be published in other newspapers or magazines. Maybe I would win the Nobel Prize in literature for it, and maybe I could become a famous poet at least. This editor was too rude for his or her writer! But there was nothing but continuing waiting, waiting with sharp words for the editor. I was too miserable. I was wronged.
      
But lest it would give me much influence on my study, I have to forget it for a while. Luckily, I manaed to forget it after another three months.
      
After more than eleven months, I suddenly received an envelope from a newspaper, that was the newspaper I ever sent poem to. It told   me that my verse was published in this newspaper. How happy I was! How thrilled I was!
      
Looking at the brand-new newspaper with my verse, I cried with delight at first. It was my poem. My poem is in the newspaper. Thanks for the editor, my dear editor.
      
It covered the whole distance from broken-hearted misery to bursting happiness---too slowly---it was nearly one year. Maybe the editor wanted to tell me that everyone who wanted to win the victory must learn endurance before he or she succeed, I thought.
      
Thanks for him. Thanks for this experience. I won't forget the meaning forever, my never-forgotten year.
Miss Zuo:  As a science student, you're good at writing. Your interest will bring you an abundant life. You can also coniture with your writing! I can say that you're expert on explessing your ideas vividly and fluenry. Enjoy your writing!   
（ Miss Zuo，2001-2002，my English teacher of Shanxi University ）
本文写于2001~2003年间,是学英语那年每周要交的作文之一.好象有些拼写上的错误.写了我第一次投稿诗歌作品之后的心理变化.后面附录了当时的英文老师左老师的评语.现贴出来,是接受海外先生的建议,尽量英文写作,以避免中式英语的出现,其实我受中文的影响已经很大,中式英语的不可避免的,并且我本身不讨厌什么形式的英语,包括美式和加式的.

宛城卧龙

先过来问个好
随后细读

宛城卧龙

好久没看到
这个论坛这么火了
辛苦了

海外逸士

good practice.  please read the following corrections for you. if you have any questions about them, just ask them.
"a true one" is enough, no need to use "really".
prose, etc.     It's better to say: "I began to write poems and esssays." always use different verbs.
no need to add "to public".  All the magazines and newspapers are read by the public.
Better to use “mailed” … to an editor of a newspaper (delete “press”).
I was waiting for a reply from
Just use “mailed”. “Contributed” is too big a word to use here.  I had never heard from the editor.
Too rude to sb.
Better “keeping on waiting”.   “waiting with sharp words for the editor”?     Did you speak to the editor?  If not, how could you say sharp words to him?
But afraid that the disappointment would give me…..I managed to forget it
I suddenly received a letter from the newspaper.  (delete the part of the sentence after it.)
I won’t forget the lesson forever.
You are an expert in expressing ideas vividly and fluently.

童天鉴日

原帖由 刘聪美 于 2008-2-29 18:43:00 发表
Shanxi University
应为
Shaanxi University  

这个不用改.陕西才是shaanxi

童天鉴日

原帖由 刘聪美 于 2008-2-29 18:38:00 发表
I had never heart of the editor.
应为
I had never heard of the editor.

Thank you

童天鉴日

原帖由 海外逸士 于 2008-3-1 9:33:00 发表
good practice.  please read the following corrections for you. if you have any questions about them, just ask them.
"a true one" is enough, no need to use "really".
prose, et

这个几乎是残稿,2004年收拾旧文件时打出来的.
海外先生所提皆是,谢谢您的细心指导,学习\修改\感动中
请接受来自太原的握手

海外逸士

啊﹐童天﹐你的手有這麼長﹐能越過太平洋來握我的﹖打趣了。不是英文專業﹐能寫
成這樣就不錯了。希望臥龍先生也貼篇上來。

童天鉴日

原帖由 海外逸士 于 2008-3-2 0:44:00 发表
啊﹐童天﹐你的手有這麼長﹐能越過太平洋來握我的﹖打趣了。不是英文專業﹐能寫
成這樣就不錯了。希望臥龍先生也貼篇上來。

海外先生过奖了.
等待卧龙的作品

新一

好！