Tonight I Can Write the Saddest Lines（今夜我可以写出最悲壮的诗篇）

译心译意

前几日四川汶川发生了8.0级强烈地震，顿时摧毁了几万人的生命与家园。余震不断发生，我也被迫到广场避震。夜深人静，躺在冰冷而又潮湿的广场上，想到今年的一场场灾难，我写下了这篇Tonight I Can Write the Saddest Lines（今夜我可以写出最悲壮的诗篇）。现附在下面，希望大家批评：
Tonight I Can Write the Saddest Lines
Tonight I lie on the cold and wet ground
Feeling that I can hear the saddest sound
The sound is from no where but the quake site
That makes me the saddest lines to write
With a pen, I ask the Heaven in the sky
Why You made us suffer by and by
You led People into disaster by snow
You made all and all homes full of woe
You killed our people by striking the train
That brought all families pains again
You destroyed homes and homes by the quake
And killed children and children in the shake
If you are not staying in such a damned height
I will climb up to fight you with no fright
I get to my paper with dim and dim light
And have got the saddest lines to write
Tonight I can write the saddest lines
For lying in the darkest moon-shines
Tonight I can write the saddest line
For the death of all friends of mine
Tonight I can write the saddest lines
For the coming of tomorrow’s sushines

（08年5月20日凌晨01点 于重庆大学 思群广场 避震时作）

firefly

押韵不错
That makes me the saddest lines to write
是倒装句子么 to 是多余的吧
还是make sb sth句型 那样能加不定式吗
商榷
you 有的地方没有大写
gain 作痛苦解时不用复数吧
last but not least
it is not the Heaven who is not to blame in a disaster
in my opinion

海外逸士

nowhere,  not  no where.
infinitive after verb make is used without to.
heaven and sky are the same idea.
use repetition of words only when necessary.

宛城卧龙

问好 新朋友  译心译意
我要没有猜错 你这个名字可能和 中国对外翻译出版公司 出版的那一套关于翻译的小册子有关系
呵呵
开个小玩笑  轻松的问好朋友

译心译意

原帖由 firefly 于 2008-7-16 19:34:00 发表
押韵不错

That makes me the saddest lines to write
是倒装句子么 to 是多余的吧
还是make sb sth句型 那样能加不定式吗
商榷

you 有的地方没有大写

gain 作痛苦解时不用复数吧

last but not least ......

谢谢批评，只是这句That makes me the saddest lines to write，不好改啊，结构是make sb do sth，That makes me write the saddest lines，可是我想把write置于句末，若去掉to，That makes me the saddest lines write，总觉得不大通顺。

译心译意

原帖由 海外逸士 于 2008-7-17 7:36:00 发表
nowhere,  not  no where.
infinitive after verb make is used without to.
heaven and sky are the same idea.

use repetition of words only when necessary.

Here I use repetition of words only for emphasis.
I'm wondering whether it is right or not.

firefly

The sound is from no where but the quake site
That makes me the saddest lines to write

看在诗歌的份上 这种不通顺也是允许的
要不换韵也可
比如
The sound is from nowhere but hometown of mine
That makes me write the saddest line

line 单数也可

firefly

I ask the Heaven in the sky

我认为 重复不能内嵌修饰 可以考虑用同位语之类的