和海外逸士 (bilingual)

自娱自乐

拙诗一首，与诸君同乐。^_^ （还望逸士不要误会）
和海外逸士
诗人虽随黄鹤去，
黄鹤楼里人照聚。
人来人往人随意，
花開花落谁能拒？
Though the poet is gone with the yellow stork,
People still come to see Yellow Stork Tower.
Coming or going, no one can actually block,
Blooming or falling, who can tell a flower?
V2
Albeit with the yellow stork, the poet is gone,
People still come to see the Yellow Stork Tower.
Coming or going, it’s up to people to carry on,
Blooming or falling, who can tell any flower?

firefly

问好娱乐和海外先生
我将离开论坛一段时间

海外逸士

中文詩如何﹐不與你討論了。這裡只談從中文意思過來的譯文。
第一第二句﹐兩個版本都沒問題。
第三句中﹐“隨意”二字沒譯好。BETTER TO SAY﹕
COMING OR GOING﹐ PEOPLE  CAN FOLLOW  THEIR  WILL FREELY。
我知道你想押韻﹐但翻譯詩﹐一三句不押韻也可以的。達意為主。
第四句中﹐“拒”為什么要用動詞TELL﹖
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秋天到了﹐螢火虫要冬眠去了﹖明年夏天再來﹐是嗎﹖

自娱自乐

原帖由 海外逸士 于 2008-10-19 22:30:00 发表
中文詩如何﹐不與你討論了。這裡只談從中文意思過來的譯文。

谢谢逸士的答复。我知道这首诗很滥，只能算为打油诗吧，呵呵呵。真所谓机不可失，时不再来啊。老了，老了，再来学吹打，让你们年轻人看笑话啦，呵呵呵，好在我这人脸皮厚，不怕出丑。学得好与不好，现在对我来讲已经不是太重要了，重要的是能陶冶情操,有乐趣。算是老来乐吧。^_^ (By the way, 海外逸士, I did not mean my translation versions. Anyway, that is not essential at all. All I meant to say is I am just a layman in this field, cheers)

原帖由 海外逸士 于 2008-10-19 22:30:00 发表
第一第二句﹐兩個版本都沒問題。

Thanks very much for that.

原帖由 海外逸士 于 2008-10-19 22:30:00 发表
第三句中﹐“隨意”二字沒譯好。BETTER TO SAY﹕
COMING OR GOING﹐ PEOPLE  CAN FOLLOW  THEIR  WILL FREELY。
我知道你想押韻﹐但翻譯詩﹐一三句不押韻也可以的。達意為主。
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I am not happy with it either. Thanks for you tips anyway.
I will come up with another version for your comments if you don't mind...
I don't think block rhymes with stork, right?

原帖由 海外逸士 于 2008-10-19 22:30:00 发表
我知道你想押韻﹐但翻譯詩﹐一三句不押韻也可以的。達意為主。

Yes, When I read English poems, I have already noticed it.
Thanks for reminding anyway.

原帖由 海外逸士 于 2008-10-19 22:30:00 发表
第四句中﹐“拒”為什么要用動詞TELL﹖

Yes, it is my bad. I thought of using deny, but not quite sure if it is okay or not.
I should've put (draft) there, hehehe

自娱自乐

逸士, how about this one?
Albeit with the yellow stork, the poet is gone also,
People still come to see the Yellow Stork Tower.
Coming or going, one should feel free to do so,
Blooming or falling, who can deny any flower?
hehehe, I know the "also" might be troublesome, hehehe.
Thanks for your input in advance!

自娱自乐

原帖由 firefly 于 2008-10-19 14:20:00 发表
问好娱乐和海外先生
我将离开论坛一段时间

hehehe, 我一来，你就走，什么态度嘛？哈哈哈
Okay, enjoy yourself! And take care!

白沙

firefly 有事暂离一段，有空会回来。我们喜欢你这个好兄弟！

海外逸士

前三句沒問題了。第四句先討論中文意思。應該是﹕花開花落誰也無法阻擋。所以後
半的句式應該是﹕WHO  CAN 。。。﹖或NO  ONE  CAN。。。後面動詞可用HINDER。FLOWER這詞是用不上的。
BLOCK與STORK﹐從寬韻角度看﹐還是可以的。

自娱自乐

原帖由 海外逸士 于 2008-10-21 7:29:00 发表
前三句沒問題了。第四句先討論中文意思。應該是﹕花開花落誰也無法阻擋。所以後
半的句式應該是﹕WHO  CAN 。。。﹖或NO  ONE  CAN。。。後面動詞可用HINDER。FLOWER這詞是用不上的。
BLOCK與STORK﹐從寬韻角度看﹐還是可以的。

谢谢逸士的答复。
If you scrape that 'flower', how can you rhyme with tower in terms of this version? Does it mean I have to do it all over again? hahahah
说笑话。
hinder is a very good choice, but what about deny? Does it play a similar role in meaning to your hinder?

自娱自乐

Initially, I even thought of employing "stop", heheh, but later I decided to dump it.