評四位大師對李清照“聲聲慢”的翻譯

海外逸士

尋尋覓覓，冷冷清清，凄凄慘慘戚戚。乍暖還寒時候，最難將息。三杯兩盞淡酒，怎敵他、晚來風急？雁過也，正傷心，卻是舊時相識。
滿地黃花堆積。憔悴損，如今有誰堪摘？守著窗儿，
獨自怎生得黑？梧桐更兼細雨，到黃昏、點點滴滴。這次第，怎一個、愁字了得！

【林語堂譯作】

Slow slow tune (Li Qingzhao )


So dim, so dark,/So dense, so dull,/So damp, so dank,/So dead!/The weather, now warm, now cold,/Makes it harder than ever to forget!/How can thin wine and bread/Serve as protection/Against the piercing wind of sunset!/Wild geese pass over head/That they are familiar/Lets it more lamentable yet!/The ground is strewn with staid/And withered petals/For whom now should they be vase set?/By the window shut,/Guarding it along,/To see the sky has turned so black!/And on the cola nut/To hear the drizzle drown/At dust: Pit-a-pat, pit-a-pat!/Is this a mood and moment/Only to be called “sad”?

評﹕雖然用了七個D開頭的詞﹐乍一看很雷人的﹐但與原文開頭三短句毫無關係。now warm, now cold是時暖時寒﹐不是乍暖還寒。Makes it harder than ever to forget﹐是“最難將息”之意嗎﹖bread﹖中國那時有麵包嗎﹖下面的意思還能搭得上界﹐不予置評了。但也不敢恭維。

楊憲益夫婦譯本：
Seeking, seeking, Chilly and quiet, Desolate, painful and miserable.
Even when it's warmer there is still a chill It is most difficult to keep well.
Three or two cups of light wine, How can they ward off the strong？
Wild geese fly past, while I'm broken-hearted; ButI recoze they are my old friends.
Fallen chrysanthemums piled up on the ground, So withered，Who would pluck them up now?
Leaning on the window, How can I pass the time till night alone?
The drizzle falls on the wutong trees, Raindrops drip down at dusk.
At a time like this, What immense sorrow I must bear!
評﹕Chilly﹖把“冷”字直譯了。但這裡是“冷清”之意。to keep well﹐將息﹖ the strong﹐並不一定指wind。可能掉詞了。總之﹐比林譯較達意。

許淵沖譯本：
I look for what I miss; I know not what it is. I feel so sad, so drear, So lonely, without cheer.
How hard is it To keep me fit In this lingering cold!
By cup on cup Of wine so dry Oh, how could I Endure at dusk the drift Of wind so swift?
It breaks my heart, alas, To see the wild geese pass, For they are my acquaintances of old.
The ground is covered with yellow flowers, Fadedand fallen in showers./Who will pick them up now?
Sitting alone at the window, how Could I but quicken The pace of darkness that won't thicken?
On plane's broad leaves a fine rain drizzles As twilight grizzles.
Oh, what can I do with a grief Beyond belief!
評﹕首三句翻譯達不到原文開頭三句的氣勢。後面基本只能算是意譯。雖然沒押韻﹐但用了不少中間韻。總之﹐讀上去很鬆散。

徐中杰譯本：
I've a sense of something missing I must seek./Everything about me looks dismal and bleak./
Nothing that gives me pleasure, I can find./Even the weather has proved most unkind./
It is warm, but abruptly it turns cold again./An unbroken rest most difficult to obtain./
Three cups of thin wine would utterly fail./To cope with the rising evening gale./
Myself, into woe, a flight of wild geese has thrown./But with them, very familiar I have grown./
About the ground, cluysandiernums are bestrewn./Gathering into heaps——bruised——withering soon./With myself in utter misery and gloom,/Who cares to save them from their approaching doom?/Standing by the window-watching in anguish stark,/Could I bear alone the sight until it is dark?/Against the tung and plane trees, the wind rises high./The drizzle becomes trickles, as even draws nigh./How, in the word "Miserable", can one find-/The total effects of all these on the mind!
評﹕首四句與原文出入較大。It is warm, but abruptly it turns cold again完全曲解原意。bruised放在這裡﹐不知什麼意思。如說譯“損”字﹐“損”在憔悴後面﹐不在這裡。Who cares to save them from their approaching doom?原文無此意。watching in anguish stark原文無此意。 the wind rises high原文無此意。

總評﹕按此次序----楊﹑林﹑許﹑徐﹐似乎每況愈下。所以評詩文﹐先要看詩文本身如何﹐別管它們是誰所作。如果有人一看名字就大聲叫好﹐而實際上並不怎麼好時﹐豈不有拍馬之嫌﹖至少反映出自身水平不夠評論資格。即是說﹐在瞎評。

預告﹕本人翻譯將于下週末貼上。

自娱自乐

原帖由 海外逸士 于 2009-6-7 5:42:00 发表
Chilly﹖把“冷”字直譯了。但這裡是“冷清”之意

这不是你一贯的主张吗？
再则，杨的‘chilly and quiet'不就是在表达‘冷清’之意？

南粤笔客

提读－－－－－－！:Z

周道模

海外先生的意见好。
翻译名家也有出错的时候，杨宪益先生翻的《野草》，我就觉得有不妥之处。

自娱自乐

名家也是人，人非圣贤，孰能无过，不同的是名家犯的错少，大大少于普通之人。
逸士他自个也有犯错的。。。

童天鉴日

喜欢的版本

海外逸士

逸士他自个也有犯错的。。。
you are right.  Men are apt to err.  But the most important thing is they must own and correct it.

周道模

我有出错的地方，但又不是名人。呜呼！

自娱自乐

原帖由 海外逸士 于 2009-6-9 3:39:00 发表
逸士他自个也有犯错的。。。
you are right.  Men are apt to err.  But the most important thing is they must own and correct it.

Yeah, sure, but do you expect Mr. Lin to jump out of his grave to wipe his bottom?
说穿了，这是个心理问题。每个人都有，也包括我自己。
看名家的东西时，除了学习欣赏外，我们都把眼睛睁得大大地，为什么呀？那就是因为我们希望在那字里行间找到一字半句的错。
哈哈哈，你看，终于给我逮住了。
画外音：“我还以为你是滴水不漏，也不过如此而已，有什么了不起的，说不定我的水平还比你高呢。”
在这世界上到底有多少人能‘闻过则喜’？
不多，有的话，那也是装的。

自娱自乐

原帖由 海外逸士 于 2009-6-7 5:42:00 发表
評﹕雖然用了七個D開頭的詞﹐乍一看很雷人的﹐但與原文開頭三短句毫無關係。now warm, now cold是時暖時寒﹐不是乍暖還寒。Makes it harder than ever to forget﹐是“最難將息”之意嗎﹖bread﹖中國那時有麵包嗎﹖下面的意思還能搭得上界﹐不予置評了。但也不敢恭維。

用这种口气来评大师的作品，你的内心世界可见一斑。
那时虽然没有面包，但有 steamed bread / bun。