[英汉双语] City Fatality 城殇

Louisa

City Fatality
---By Louisa
One early winter afternoon,
In a street corner of downtown
Slight scent was blown from a bakery
Beneath a flat of 28-storey,
Where the Boreas was rustling
And the devil of Flame was lurking.
As the ghost of Graft started its spark,
They conspired a fire to attack..
Horrible blazes!
Made inspectors gape in scare;
Made fire heroes desperate in rescues.
Black smokes gushed to darken the sky
Like an end day in a nightmare.
Demons gutted the high-rise
And fled with sacrifice of the fifty-eight lives,
Burning the millions of souls in deep agonies.
In night mist the charred building looms high
Like a huge gravestone in gloomy Shanghai.
No bakery for sweet scents
Only the silent white petals cling to its debris.
城殇
--- Louisa 著译
初冬的一个下午，
闹市的街角，
面包坊飘出淡淡的甜香，
一幢28层公寓房，
风神正绕着它呼啸，
火魔已布下埋伏。
当渎职之鬼点燃火花，
它们合谋袭击了它，
恐怖的烈焰啊!
让目击者瞠目战栗，
让救火英雄也绝望无力。
滚滚浓烟遮蔽了天空，
仿佛噩梦中的末日。
魔鬼们劫空了大楼，
逃离时夺去了五十八条生命
深深灼伤千百万人的心灵。
夜雾中忧伤的上海，
烧焦的大楼像巨大的墓碑时隐时现。
没有了面包坊飘出的香甜
只有废墟上朵朵白花在默哀。
（17日傍晚去胶州路余姚路街角，在原来的面包坊前摆上了一束白菊花，拍了几张照片，回来就写了这首诗，写完已泪流满面。今天是亡灵们的头七祭日，以此诗祭之。“2010.11.15 ”永远是上海抹不去的痛。）

无心剑

感人的诗篇，欣赏学习！
One early winter afternoon,
In a street corner of downtown  (in a downtown street corner?)
Slight scent was blown from a bakery (light scent wafted from a bakery?)
Beneath a flat of 28-storey, (beneath a 28-storey flat?)
Where the Boreas was rustling ("where" should be deleted?)
And the devil of Flame was lurking.
As the ghost of Graft started its spark,
They conspired a fire to attack.. (they conspired an attack with fire?)
Horrible blazes!
Made inspectors gape in scare; (the spectators gaped in scare?)
Made fire heroes desperate in rescues. (the brave firemen felt desperate in rescue?)
Black smokes gushed to darken the sky
Like an end day in a nightmare. (like the doomday in a nightmare?)
Demons gutted the high-rise (gutted-->despoiled?)
And fled with sacrifice of the fifty-eight lives, (the sacrifice of fifty-eight lives?)
Burning the millions of souls in deep agonies. (scorching millions of agonized souls?)

宛城卧龙

从一个点切入 描述一场灾难  从现实中具体场景观察社会中发生的事情，整体写作表述较好。
只是有一点：留给读者的思考空间有些少。
欣赏，高亮起来鼓励！

埃文河天鹅

建筑时应该使用防火材料，通过消防验收。现在的开发商为了赚钱，经常偷工减料。

木樨黄谷

关注时事动态，忧心国家社稷，心头有情万千，笔底化作波澜。好诗，好情怀，好悲悯，赞赏。同时为逝去的生命默哀！

埃文河天鹅

我自横刀向天笑，笑完我就去睡觉。

童天鉴日

逝者安息！

海外逸士

One early winter afternoon,
At a street corner of downtown  
Slight scent wafted out from a bakery
Under a flat of the 28th-storey,
Where the Boreas was rustling
And the devil of Flame was lurking.
As the ghost of Graft started its spark,
They conspired an attack with fire
Horrible blazes!
the spectators gaped, scared
Brave firemen felt desperate in rescue action
Black smoke gushed to darken the sky
Like the doomday descending on earth
Demons despoiled the high-rise
And took away fifty-eight lives,
Scorching millions of agonized souls
----------------
the last line a bit not understandable.

Louisa

感谢剑兄细致的批阅，改得比原诗好多了！
One early winter afternoon,
In a street corner of downtown  (in a downtown street corner?) （In a street corner of my hometown)
Slight scent was blown from a bakery (light scent wafted from a bakery?) ( light 比slight 好， wafted 用得极正确）
Beneath a flat of 28-storey, (beneath a 28-storey flat?)  （为韵用原来的）
Where the Boreas was rustling ("where" should be deleted?) （where 不能省，把角度对准大楼）
And the devil of Flame was lurking.
As the ghost of Graft started its spark,
They conspired a fire to attack.. (they conspired an attack with fire?) （为韵用原句，是否有语法错误？）
Horrible blazes!
Made inspectors gape in scare; (the spectators gaped in scare?) （加不加 the 都可以）
Made fire heroes desperate in rescues. (the brave firemen felt desperate in rescue?) （brave firemen 比fire heroes 身份明确）
Black smokes gushed to darken the sky
Like an end day in a nightmare. (like the doomday in a nightmare?)   （ 就是the doomday)
Demons gutted the high-rise (gutted-->despoiled?) ( gutted 比despoiled 形象）
And fled with sacrifice of the fifty-eight lives, (the sacrifice of fifty-eight lives?) （省掉fled 好）
Burning the millions of souls in deep agonies. (scorching millions of agonized souls?) （改句更准确）

Louisa

从一个点切入 描述一场灾难  从现实中具体场景观察社会中发生的事情，整体写作表述较好。
只是有一点：留给 ...[/quote]
谢谢卧龙先生的点评。
此诗留给读者空间小，是因为有些问题症结我自己还没有思考清楚。我只是把一些表面的现象用诗叙述出来而已。