【古诗英译】王之涣 - 凉州词（一）- 再译

walterzhao

凉州词
王之涣
黄河远上白云间，
一片孤城万仞山。
羌笛何须怨杨柳，
春风不度玉门关。
Liangzhou Lyrics (I)
by Wang Zhihuan
1
Yellow River runeth into clouds, far and white,
A lonesome settlement, skyhigh mountains standeth upright.
Why doeth a Barbarian flute wail that no willows here grow?
Since beyond Pass Jade-gate, spring breezes never blow.
2
The Yellow River riseth far into clouds white,
A lonesome settlement, skyhigh mountains standeth upright.
Why should a Barbarian flute wail that no willows here grow?
Since beyond Marble-gate Pass, spring breezes never blow.

=======================我是编辑的分界线=======================
附录跟帖内容
【晚枫译本】
1
The Yellow River riseth up far into clouds so white
An isolated city on mountains standeth sky-high.
The flute is futile the weeping willows tune here to blow
In that beyond the Jade-gate Pass spring breezes never go.
2
The Yellow River verges up far on clouds white,
A lone fortress sets far against th’ high mount in sight
The weeping willow tune the flute needs not to play
For yond the Yumen Pass spring breeze not makes its way.
【无心剑译本】
1
Upwards to white clouds flow the yellow river tides,
Amid sky-touching mountains a lonely town hides.
Tartar flutes need not bemoan no growth of willows,
Beyond the Jade Gate Pass no spring breeze blows.
译于2007年6月19日
2
Far into white clouds the yellow river flows,
In high mountains, lonelier the town grows.
O tartar flutes need not complain of willows,
Beyond Yumen Pass no spring breeze blows.
译于2010年2月3日
【普敬天下人译本】
The Yellow/ River/ runs a-/way  up/ to clouds /so white,
A lone-/some town/ by high /mountains/ stands a-/mong the sky.
Why could /the Qiang flutes/ resent /the tune of/ the weeping /willow？
Beyond/ the Jade-gate/ Pass ne-/ver spring/ breezes tame-/ly blow.
【张德鑫译本】
Far from the Yellow River
Up where whitish clouds abound
Perches a lonely city
With mountain ranges around
Here,folks play on the Hu's flute
The plaintive air "Willow Trees"
When Yumen Pass is a place
Ne'er reached by any spring breeze
1992

宛城卧龙

欢迎 新朋友 walterzhao  光临翻译版。欣赏

海外逸士

Yellow River runeth into clouds, far and white,
是否該拼成RUNNETH﹖WHITE離開被修飾名詞CLOUDS太遠。而且FAR不是修飾CLOUDS的。
所以整個結構不妥。應改成﹕
YELLOW  RIVER  RUNNETH  FAR  INTO  CLOUDS  SO  WHITE。
A lonesome settlement, skyhigh mountains standeth upright.
“城”譯成SETTLEMENT不妥。
Why doeth a Barbarian flute wail that no willows here grow?
DOTH﹐不是DOETH。這裡的“楊柳”是古曲“折楊柳”的簡化。所以得重譯。
Since beyond Pass Jade-gate, spring breezes never blow.
應該是JADE-GATE  PASS。

木樨黄谷

欢迎新朋友光临译诗版，有海老点校，楼主加油啊

Rhapsodia

欢迎walterzhao! 其实我比你只早来几天罢了。
借新朋友的贴，我试译一下，希望逸士和其他朋友多多批评！
The Yellow River riseth up far into clouds so white
An isolated city on mountains standeth sky-high.
The flute is futile the weeping willows tune here to blow
In that beyond the Jade-gate Pass spring breezes never go.
注释：
1）黄河远上白云间: 因诗人是从黄河下游往上游看，用 run （奔流） 不太合适，感觉是顺流而下，改为 rise
3） 正如逸士所指，“杨柳”指代《折杨柳》曲，古诗文中常以杨柳喻惜别之情，但在这首诗中，是指惜春，怨春光迟迟不肯来到边塞。英文的weeping willow 有伤心流泪的含义。转借一下用在这里。

Loon

Very impressive. 都用上古英语了。
但另一方面又想这样有多大的价值。 因为：
1， 中诗并没感到有多古。
2， 英译也只是在动词上加了个后缀，其它词性的词是否也会有不同的形式？
一个人的看法，也想听听大家的意见。
Still very admirable translation, both.

walterzhao

再次感谢大家的建议，提携，我做了些修改：
句（1）从海外逸士和Rhapsodia朋友的建议
句（2）“城”翻译成"settlement"是出于如下考虑：
“城“字是无论是“城市，城镇”，还是“城墙”，都肯定是偏远之城、边塞之城，city 或是 town 这两个词觉得难以尽意。不知诸位译友有没有更合适的办法？
句（3）“羌笛何须怨杨柳”的含义历来众说纷纭，莫置一词。翻译成《折杨柳》曲--the Tune of Willow是我的当初的译法，后来发现，这样做，前边的“怨”字就委实难以处理。这个字我感觉是句眼，blame,reproach,abuse, admonish和tune一词搭配都觉不妥，所以干脆灵活一下。“doeth”确实不好，一般现在时是指经常、反复发生的动作，或是真理性的内容。“羌笛怨杨柳”不可能是经常性动作，更不会是真理性内容，所以还是改为“should”
句（4）的玉门关还是用marble吧，jade童话色彩太浓了！如“玉阶空伫立，宿鸟归飞急”一句。

walterzhao

答loon译友：译古如古，还是译古如新？这是个问题。该争论由来已久了，还是由实践来检验吧！

walterzhao

凉州词 (一)
王之涣
黄河远上白云间，
一片孤城万仞山。
羌笛何须怨杨柳，
春风不度玉门关。
Liangzhou Lyrics (I)
Wang Zhihuan
The Yellow River riseth far into clouds white,
A lonesome settlement, skyhigh mountains standeth upright.
Why should a Barbarian flute wail that no willows here grow?
Since beyond Marble-gate Pass, spring breezes never blow.

无心剑

也曾鼓捣过，贴出来献丑！
凉州词
Song of Liangzhou
王之涣
by Wang Zhihuan
黄河远上白云间，
一片孤城万仞山。
羌笛何须怨杨柳，
春风不度玉门关。
Upwards to white clouds flow the yellow river tides,
Amid sky-touching mountains a lonely town hides.
Tartar flutes need not bemoan no growth of willows,
Beyond the Jade Gate Pass no spring breeze blows.
译于2007年6月19日。
Far into white clouds the yellow river flows,
In high mountains, lonelier the town grows.
O tartar flutes need not complain of willows,
Beyond Yumen Pass no spring breeze blows.
译于2010年2月3日。