【古文英译】（宋）范仲淹《岳陽樓記》海外逸士英译

海外逸士

that's another version online:

The YueYang tower
In the spring of fourth year of Qingli, TengZijing was exiled to Balingjun , to be the profect there. In the second year of his office, because of his excellent administration,people lived in peace and contentment, and all previous neglected matters were taken care of. The YueYang tower was renovated and enlarged, and described on its walls were the poetries and rhymed prose of Tang and present dynasty. I was invented to record this restoration effect in writing.
The beauty of Baling center round the Dongting lake, which holds the mountain ranges in the distance and swallows the water of the yangtz river.It so vast and mighty that it seems boundness.. dazzling in the morning sun and fading in the grew evening mist, it offers a myriad scenes , this is the magnificent view of yueyang tower commanded. Of which many describtions hava been written. The beauty scenic spot is linked with the Wu gorge in the north and Xiao and xiang rivers in the south. Exiled officials and poets often gather here, how could there be no difference in their feelings?
In the rainy season, an unbroken wet weather lasts for months,. Chilly wind howl and turbid waves surge the sky high. The sun and stars lose their luster, and the mountain ranges scarcely visible.. The merchant and travelers have to put off their voyage.. for the masts of ships have collapsed and the oars broken.. It is dark towards evening mist, and the roaring of tigers and the cry of monkeys can be heard. At such a time anyone ascending the tow will be filled with nostalgia for the imperial court and his hometown as well as fears of calumny and derision against him. Around him is a scene of desolation. Emotions well up him so strongly that he feels pain at heart.
In springtime it is warm and the sun is bright, the lake is tranquil and it merges with the azure sky into a vast expanse of blue. The water-bird are playing, some fluttering in the sky, some gathering together on the sandbars. fishes of varies hues swimming merrily in the water. Sweet-smell grass by the banks and the faint scented orchid on the sandy beaches are rush and green. Sometimes when the mist over the lake vanishes. The glorious moon shines over the vast land. Its brightness glistening with golden light on the lake. The reflection of the moon is like a piece of jade in the depth of the water. On ascending the tower at such a time, one will feel a spiritual uplift , neither glory nor shame. with a cup of wine in the gentle breeze ,he will enjoy the greatest happiness in life.
Ah! I have tried to study the minds of lofty ideals in ancient times. Perhaps they were different from the people I motion above. Why is this? The reason is that they were not thrown into ecstasies over their success ,nor felt depressed over their failures. When they were in high postion at court, they concerned about the people, when they were in remote place, they concerned about their emperor. They worried when then got promoted or when they were sent into exile. then , when they were happy? they would say :”To be the first to worry about the affairs of the state and the last to enjoy oneself!”
Oh,who else should I seek company with save them.

海外逸士

各位發表意見者﹐不論好壞﹐能否從譯文裡舉一二個例子來說明。這樣﹐討論才能深
入。

Rhapsodia

我先将前面一小部分呈交上来，以便开始讨论。期望大家畅所欲言！
慶曆四年春，滕子京謫守巴陵郡。越明年，政通人和，百廢具興，乃重修岳陽樓 ,增其舊制，刻唐賢今人詩賦於其上；屬予作文以記之。
It was the spring of 1044, the fourth year of Qingli①,when TENG Zijing was demoted and assigned as the prefect of Baling Shire②. A year later, the government had been running well and people were joint and supportive. Thus all abandoned or suspended projects were being resumed. Upon that, Yueyang Tower renovation began. New structures were added to what had existed and verses by sages from Tang Dynasty and current writers be inscribed. I was committed to write an essay for recording sake.

①         Qingli is title for emperor Song Renzong’s reign. Qingli lasted for seven years only, starting from 1041 and ending in 1048, but it was a period of political reformations and technical inventions.
②        Baling Shire, also Baling Jun, Baling County，is a place in today’s Hunan Province of China.

海外逸士

不管寫英文﹐還是翻譯成英文﹐主要考慮兩個方面﹕首先﹐最重要的是句子結構安排。
好的文章就是通過使用簡潔的結構來表示完整的意思。用英文寫作時﹐很容易掌握﹐
但翻譯時就較難了﹐因為不能把原文的意思丟掉那怕一點點。如果能夠把結構安排
磨煉出來﹐以後就不愁寫不出好文章。其次﹐詞彙的選用。特別是動詞﹐必須用得
確切﹐如能生動更好。

對網上轉下來的兩篇譯文﹐可一起討論﹐摘落其原句﹐分析說明自己意見。謝謝。

海外逸士

退休後時間較多。現在沒事﹐就來討論譯文第一句﹕
慶曆四年春，滕子京謫守巴陵郡。
It was the spring of 1044, the fourth year of Qingli, when TENG Zijing was
demoted and assigned as the prefect of Baling Shire。
正像我前面所說的﹐先從考慮結構安排著手。要考慮英文結構﹐當然得先看原文結
構。“慶曆四年春”﹐就是在中文裡﹐也是時間狀語。後面一句才是主要的結構。
原文結構就是這麼簡單。所以英文結構安排﹐順勢而行﹐時間狀語 + 句子。上面譯
文﹐把時間狀語安排為主句﹐主要意思安排為從句。這在語法上是沒有錯誤的。在
寫作原則上是不妥的。英文寫作原則是﹕主要意思用主句﹐次要意思用短語或從句
等結構。所以這句在結構上用IN 引導時間狀語為好。後面句中去掉WHEN。

Rhapsodia

做了一些修改：
In the spring of 1044, the fourth year of Qingli①, TENG Zijing was demoted and assigned as the prefect of Baling Shire②. A year later, the government ran well and people were joint and supportive. Thus all abandoned or suspended projects were being resumed. Upon that, Yueyang Tower renovation began. New structures were added to what had existed and verses by sages from Tang Dynasty and current writers were inscribed. I was committed to write an essay for recording sake.

①         Qingli is title for emperor Song Renzong’s reign. Qingli lasted for seven years only, starting from 1041 and ending in 1048, but it was a period of political reformations and technical inventions.
②        Baling Shire, also Baling Jun, Baling County，is a place in today’s Hunan Province of China.

Rhapsodia

(provided by 海外逸士 as #11 on this page)

In the spring of fourth year of Qingli, TengZijing was exiled to Balingjun , to be the profect there.

一些个人意见：：
fourth 前 要有 the
exile 流放，不是贬谪，而“谪”有两种含义，一是贬谪，被贬降级，二是发配=遣送到远的地方。而 exile 只取其一，不够完整。
Balingjun , to be the ----- 中间的逗号不必要。这是一个完整句。
profect ----- typo for prefect
there ---------- 可以省略

自娱自乐

Ha，by all means! What I meant by "google translation" is a robot job!  
哈哈哈，对不起，怪我没仔细看，just take a glance at it, so took google for good, 呵呵呵
By the way, I don't get it why hermit wants to put this one out for forumites to enjoy?

自娱自乐

add something new? I reckon he needs to bring in more good ones so as to make a horizontal comparison.

海外逸士

討論沒引用原文﹐有點摸不著頭腦。
所以還是討論RRHAPSODIA的修改文﹕by sages OF Tang Dynasty﹐用OF表示所屬關
係較好。In the spring of the fourth year of Qingli﹐更貼近原文。況且1044
可放在註解裡。Yueyang Tower renovation 改成 renovation OF Yueyang Tower﹐
較好。名詞性定語太長不妥。
原文意思基本表達完整。尚可簡潔﹐如﹕abandoned or suspended﹐用一個即可。