【英诗中译】乔纳森亚伦《树装》

管鑫

树装
作者：乔纳森 亚伦
译者：管鑫
来到派对之时我看到
人们都穿着圣诞的盛装踱来走去，
记得我也该穿那么一件来着。
我微微弯腰，伸出双手
晃动手指，向他们挥了挥手。
我眯了眯眼，撅了撅嘴，
做出一张树脸，慢慢地，用一只脚跳，
再换一只脚，用我想象中的森林里的树
秘密的那种跳法。
或许他们以为我是一株铁杉，
或是一株落叶松。一个化装成精灵的小姑娘
狐疑地打量着我。噢，快得了吧！
她的表情如是说。你哪里装的像棵树？
只见她身后有个穿了件驯鹿装的男子
坐在钢琴边。当他敲响了
《普天同庆》的第一个音符时，我闭上双眼
又再试了一次。这次我能感觉到风
在拼命地抬起我的，被雪压低的树枝。
我附着在峭壁之上
从别的树的上边我能看到几片
傍晚的云和如红色丝带般的河流。
在空气中我呼吸到了更多雪的味道。一阵阵的风
在我的颈边、脸颊呜咽，而此刻
我只能听到沉思的鸣响
由身边的树上传来—— 片刻后，在更远处，
传来了微弱却急切的狼嚎。
原诗：
Acting Like a Tree
by  Jonathan Aaron
When I got to the party and saw everybody
walking around in Christmas costumes,
I remembered I was supposed to be wearing one, too.
Bending slightly, I held out my hands
and waved them a little, wiggling my fingers.
I narrowed my eyes and pursed my lips, making
a tree face, and started slowly hopping on one foot,
then the other, the way I imagine trees do
in the forest when they’re not being watched.
Maybe people would take me for a hemlock,
or a tamarack. A little girl disguised as an elf
looked at me skeptically. Oh, come on!
her expression said. You call that acting like a tree?
Behind her I could see a guy in a reindeer suit
sitting down at the piano. As he hit the opening
chords of “Joy to the World” I closed my eyes
and tried again. This time I could feel the wind
struggling to lift my boughs, which were heavy
with snow. I was clinging to a mountain crag
and could see over the tops of other trees a few late-
afternoon clouds and the thin red ribbon of a river.
I smelled more snow in the air. A gust or two whispered
around my neck and face, but by now
all I could hear was the meditative creaking
of this neighbor or that—and a moment later, farther off,
the faint but eager call of a wolf.

宛城卧龙

walking around  未译出

宛城卧龙

伪装？——伪装 有些别扭

管鑫

一语道破！这个costume让我纠结好久！

宛城卧龙

整体译的不错，飘红！

Loon

你这个题目，初时读为“树桩”，以为是笔误。
整体不错，两点疑问：

the way I imagine trees do
in the forest when they’re not being watched.
用我想象中的森林里的树
秘密的那种跳法。

为什么要转译成“秘密”？

all I could hear was the meditative creaking
of this neighbor or that—and a moment later, farther off,
the faint but eager call of a wolf.
我只能听到沉思的鸣嚎
从我的近边传来—— 片刻后，在更远处，
传来了微弱却急切的狼嚎。

两个“嚎”字，可是英文用的却是两个词，而且两词的意思是不同的。
你是如何理解"neighbor"的？

Rhapsodia

Behind her I could see a guy in a reindeer suit
只见她身后有个穿了件驯鹿装的男子
in a reindeer suit 穿了件驯鹿装。。。没感觉拉着雪橇，跟着圣诞老人跑来跑去的小鹿的可爱，却感觉像打猎的人，穿迷彩装。呵呵呵，说重了，见谅哈，只是我的感受而已。
“扮成小鹿的模样”----- 行吗？

管鑫

先说neighbor,我认为是他身边的其他树，这样与creaking放在一起更说的通，但creak有咔嚓和尖叫两个方向的释义，此处我也斟酌了一会，怕译入语的表现力缺失，所以做了个折中的模糊处理

管鑫

“当没有人看着时”放入译文会使语言臃肿，何况作者在当时的笔触的确是为了体现他的“想象”，有些神秘意味的。

管鑫

我是觉得该诗自然分成了两个部分，后一部分才是领悟和融入，前一部分“他”是有些格格不入的，小鹿是不是有些亲切了呢？