石头城
刘禹锡
山围故国周遭在，
潮打空城寂寞回。
淮水东边旧时月，
夜深还过女墙来。
Stone City
by Liu Yuxi
The old homeland is enclosed by the high eternal hills.
Tides come to beat the empty city, and go back alone.
Above the River Qinhuai rises eastward an ancient moon.
Thro the deep night it still moves over the poor battlement walls.
(tr. Louisa)
The archaic kingdom is enclosed by eternal hills.
The tides beat the empty city wall and alone retreat.
Above the River Hui appears eastward an ageless moon.
Thro the deep night it still passes over the broken rampart.
(Tr. Louisa)
各位看官，以上哪个译版信达雅些？
eternal hills﹖原文沒有eternal 意思呀。
ALONE 應該是LONELY。
淮水東邊應該是 THE EAST OF RIVER HUI﹐不是EASTWARD。
舊時月不是古時月。應該是THE MOON OF OLD TIME。
女牆前面不能有POOR﹐或者BROKEN。原文沒有此意思。
个人觉得，好像 旧时月 翻译成 an ageless moon有些问题哦，可否翻译成a like-passed moon呢？个见，问好。 ...[/quote]
原以为用"an ageless moon" 是为了对比"archaic","broken", 以显示moon 的永恒。
" a like-passed moon" 这个词没用过，听起来wierd . ”旧时月”还是用“an ancient moon" 顺些。
Thank you for discussion. All is of my subjective idea.
eternal hills﹖原文沒有eternal 意思呀。
ALONE 應該是LONELY。
[/quote]
Thank you for finding time to pinpoint the linguistic error hidden in this rendering.
But I use the word of "eternal " to form a stark contrast to the words of " archaic " and "broken" to emphasize the historical sense between the present.and the past. Also I need these words just for the sake of the heptasyllabic lines to follow the form of English verse.
Although our translation policy is based on the fidelity to the original, we should do more to retain the poetic elegance to make its English version natural and flowing to read.
eternal hills﹖原文沒有eternal 意思呀。
ALONE 應該是LONELY。
[/quote]
Under your suggestion I revised the translation, but it is my problem to keep stubborn idea to use some words.
The archaic kingdom is enclosed by eternal hills.
The tides beat the empty city wall and lonely retreat.
Above the east of River Huai appears an ancient moon.
Thro the deep night the moon still moves across the rampart walls.
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发表于 2011-3-26 12:43:56