Yesterday

钓月

Yesterday (an original bilingual poem)
             By Fishmoon
Yesterday, the white snow in the fields
Gave us inspirations by loaning.
With snowmen, sledges and snowballs,
We asked winter god to stay, cordially urging.
Laughing, playing and chasing, though,
To be winter prisoners we weren’t willing.
In  the  white dreamland of ours,
Babbling on, the melody of spring.   
昨 天（双语原创）
         钓月
咋天，大野的白雪,
贷给我们灵感;
用雪人、雪橇、雪球,
欲将冬神款留。
我们嬉笑追逐着，
终不愿作冬囚。
在白色梦境中，
春韵在潺潺地流。

钓月

请猛批:D :D

海外逸士

Since you use the verb loan, why not just say, "loan us inspirations""
you can use winter god instead of winter spirits.

钓月

谢谢聪美兄弟的鼓励和建议,还要再考虑怎么修改最好些.
我们俩都属于新格律诗派!

钓月

谢谢你的好建议!:D

周道模

英语用错位的句式形成了韵味和节奏，好！
最后两句，是否去掉"of ours"    "It was" 要好些？

钓月

谢谢周道模老师!

firefly

We asked winter god to stay, cordially urging.
换作
We pressed winter god to linger, loyally begging.
何如 呵呵

钓月

begging似还可以!press有force之意,恐怕不妥当!:D
谢谢!

firefly

To be winter prisoners we weren’t willing.
In the white dreamland of ours,
Babbling on, the melody of spring  
To be ---》being
In the white dreamland of ours---》In our white dreamland
理由：
ours 虽可以和though形似 但无法押韵 放在后面显得画蛇添足
个见 参考 呵呵