旧作新译 七绝 晨醒

青衫来客

Morning Wake
The crescent moon moves down the hills so quietly
The spring breeze sneaks into my dream purposely
The warbling orioles to and fro light on my windowsills
To knock on the lattice with the dawn ray in their bills
晨醒
无声弦月依山落，
有意春风入梦轻。
秀语黄鹂飞复去，
衔来曦景叩窗棂。

自娱自乐

Resonant orioles ?

自娱自乐

To knock the lattice ----knock at / on?

金沙文字

美景！
同题同韵又作：
含笑玄月依山隐
迷路春风入梦轻
忽然黄鹂腾飞去
万丈晨曦吻窗棂

自娱自乐

原帖由 金沙文字 于 2009-5-31 12:46:00 发表
美景！
同题同韵又作：
含笑玄月依山隐
迷路春风入梦轻
忽然黄鹂腾飞去
万丈晨曦吻窗棂

嗯，不错，美！
人家可是配了译文，你的呢？:P

自娱自乐

to and fro light on my windowsills ----> 这个light 还得斟酌，因为 light on sth 有see or find sth by accident.
你原诗可是没这意思

青衫来客

Yes, on or at was missed. Thanks a lot for pointing out the blunder.

青衫来客

beautifully done, my dear friend!

青衫来客

I hate word by word translation.  If it were not done as it, could you just find a place for the bird to stay in the morning?  As for "light on", this is a set phrase with an example to show for it in the dictionary," ducks lighting on the pond " .  I am a careless man,  I may always make some minor errors, but not the big mistakes. However, I like your criticism over my translation which does me a lot of good.

自娱自乐

Well, you may say orioles are light on but not light on sth or to and fro skip / hop on..blah..blah
ducks lighting on the pond ---Well, it could still mean ducks seeing a pond by chance, anyway,  could you please tell me from which dictionary you've got this sample sentence.