【汉英微型诗】 绿 梅

自娱自乐

最后再多一句，我只听说过‘one and all' = everyone

周道模

谢谢！再说谢谢！

青衫来客

Let me just try for fun.

A little mouth on mouth
Sucks in the cool mist
And then blows out
A string of spring
在英文的表述中，没有朵这个概念。几朵花，就用flowers。一浪又一浪 wave on wave
一滴泪又一滴泪 tear on tear. 因此，我想mouth on mouth，可以说得通。一串还是a string of somthing, 这个是英文的表达方式。A string of spring is also an alliteration.
见笑了！

周道模

谢谢青衫君！高手出面，问题解决一大半！

第一句全部接收啦。
我想还是用 suck 动态感强些。mist 减弱了“矛盾”的效果。blow out好，更常用些。谢！“一串”，不机械翻，应回到“树枝”上去，想象不脱离题材，更生动。一首小诗的翻译，要耗尽多少脑细胞啊！
再谢青衫和自娱自乐君！

自娱自乐

wave upon (on) wave - 对，是表示一浪又一浪，但是不要忘了，那是一种重叠。请问，一朵一朵是表示重叠还是什么？

mayhaps we should borrow 'one by one' pattern...

看看，我又多嘴了。

青衫来客

I am home now. This is what I  had been thinking about during the  flight. It should be  the one by one pattern.
A little mouth by mouth

青衫来客

Mr. Zhou, the first line should be "A little mouth by mouth", pleae refer to the talk btween Ziyu and me. As for the rest, it is only my version for your reference. Every poet or translator would have his own way, no right or wrong. By the way I like your writings in both English and Chinese.

自娱自乐

hehehe, welcome home mate!

decanine

mouth on mouth ---- sounds like mouth-to-mouth -- resuscitation or just kissing?
一朵 ---- can also be "a stem" (of flower)
These micro-poems are almost haiku-like. Try this way:
一朵一朵的小嘴
吮寒雾……
吐一枝春……

Stem by stem, the little mouths
Sucking the frosty fog,
Spit a shoot of spring.

周道模

原帖由 青衫来客 于 2009-7-19 13:37:00 发表
I am home now. This is what I  had been thinking about during the  flight. It should be  the one by one pattern.
A little mouth by mouth  

Thanks again! Change "on".