【汉英微型诗】 绿 梅

周道模

原帖由 青衫来客 于 2009-7-19 13:42:00 发表
Mr. Zhou, the first line should be "A little mouth by mouth", pleae refer to the talk btween Ziyu and me. As for the rest, it is only my version for your reference. Every poet or translator ......

Thank you for your encouraging me! I'll keep on doing that, welcome everyone's suggestions.

周道模

原帖由 自娱自乐 于 2009-7-19 14:05:00 发表
hehehe, welcome home mate!

Welcome Ziyu's suggestions! I'm a student.

周道模

原帖由 decanine 于 2009-7-19 17:50:00 发表
mouth on mouth ---- sounds like mouth-to-mouth -- resuscitation or just kissing?
一朵 ---- can also be "a stem" (of flower)
These micro-poems are almost haiku-like. Try this way:
一朵一朵的小嘴
吮

Maybe "spit" is not a good word here. I will study this word "stem".  This is your translation.Thanks!

周道模

原帖由 自娱自乐 于 2009-7-19 8:29:00 发表
wave upon (on) wave - 对，是表示一浪又一浪，但是不要忘了，那是一种重叠。请问，一朵一朵是表示重叠还是什么？

mayhaps we should borrow 'one by one' pattern...

看看，我又多嘴了。

Thanks always! I'll change it!

青衫来客

I like your version very much and my cordial welcome for you to join us together.

decanine

原帖由 周道模 于 2009-7-19 18:20:00 发表
Maybe "spit" is not a good word here. I will study this word "stem".  This is your translation.Thanks!                                 

I used "spit" for its short vowel, alliteration, and its stronger sense of irony as a result of sucking frosty fog.
You don't need to use it, but whatever changes you adopt from others' suggestions, it's better that you NOT keep editing your original first version. Attribution issue aside, it makes for very confusing later reading; not everyone is able to keep track of what you started out with and what you added after. Just a basic courtesy.

周道模

Good ideas, thanks a lot!   It will go back.

周道模

原帖由 decanine 于 2009-7-19 17:50:00 发表
mouth on mouth ---- sounds like mouth-to-mouth -- resuscitation or just kissing?
一朵 ---- can also be "a stem" (of flower)
These micro-poems are almost haiku-like. Try this way:
一朵一朵的小嘴
吮

Yours is wonderfuf!

嘉木子

好一朵绿梅 学习

青衫来客

You are so open to suggestions made by others and I am sure that is way to make progress.