七绝两首咏月咏枫（同题翻译）

青衫来客

咏月

岸柳还怜夏日柔，
征鸿已过碧山头。
今宵玉笛邀冰镜，
来照松花百里秋。

Chant To The Moon

I still love tender bank willows much in summer
While wild geese have flown the green hill over
My jade flute will be played to invite the moon
Tonight to shine brimless fall at Songhua River

咏枫

轻寒昨夜到前川，
蛩唱后庭犹自怜。
早起西风染红叶，
已将霞帐挂天边。

Chant To Maple Leaves

The light coldness came to the front river last night
Crickets of self-pity kept singing at backyard bright
Early west wind has dyed the maple leaves crimson
Like the tent of rosy clouds hanging on the horizon

附录：

【自娱自乐译本】Mr. Ziyu‘s version for Chant to The Moon

When tender willow by river is still loved in summer,
Wild geese have already flown over the green hill.
Tonight invite the cool moon over my jade flute will,
To brighten brimless autumn and the Songhua River　

【无心剑译本】Wuxinjian's version

Tender willows by the river still think of summer;
Wild geese have already flown over the green hill.
Tonight my jade flute will invite the moon so chill
To brighten autumn scenery of the Songhua River.

自娱自乐

先赞一个，过一会来再赏!

青衫来客

谢谢老自头，等候批评。

自娱自乐

原帖由 青衫来客 于 2009-10-11 8:26:00 发表
I still love bank willows very tender at summer

Do you mean to say "in summer"?

周道模

汉诗自然、流畅，情景交融。用现时语写现代事，不像有些人食古不化。
英诗押韵我只有跟着学了。
“岸柳还怜夏日柔”读起来有两义：不注意就把岸柳当主语了。

自娱自乐

The early west wind has dyed the maple leaves crimson
has dyed ...crimson --- 不错，喜欢，赞一个。

青衫来客

Yes, should be in summer. Thanks.

青衫来客

原帖由 周道模 于 2009-10-11 10:18:00 发表
汉诗自然、流畅，情景交融。用现时语写现代事，不像有些人食古不化。
英诗押韵我只有跟着学了。
“岸柳还怜夏日柔”读起来有两义：不注意就把岸柳当主语了。

谢周老师谬赞，还应继续努力。

自娱自乐

Just like tents of rosy clouds hanging on the horizon
hang low over / hang in th sky above
Hang on ---ok, for it also means 'to cling tightly to sth' as well as 'depend on'
Should it be 'clouds like rosy tents' a bit better than 'tents of rosy clouds'?

自娱自乐

I still love bank willows very tender in summer
这句读了几遍，仍然感到有些别扭。
I still lover tender summer willows?