【英汉双语】致济慈

Loon

Nice feel. Good effort. I’ve read it a few times and here’s my thought on it, if you don’t mind. Or I’ll keep it to myself in the future, just let me know.
A sonnet? Some diction used is old, so I guess it is meant to be a classical not contemporary sonnet.
The majority lines are 10 syllables but L2, L5, L6 have 11, assuming I can count. I got lost in the rhyme which seems sporadic, without a strict rhyming scheme.  And some lines are hard to understand without your translation.
For example,

I shalt gather a precious dew for thee,
Before the sun rises, that heavenly eye,
Taking in this world in an easy span,
And gleans far faster than my mortal hand;
在日出之前，让我为你掬一滴清露。因为太阳，这天空之眼，既然把尘世的一切都尽收眼底

If it were me, I'd put a period after "Before the sun rises", or even "Before the sunrise".
There should be a turn at line 9 after the octave if it is a Petrarchan sonnet, or a couplet at the end if it is a Shakespean sonnet. I missed both of them.
In spite of my comment, I appreciate your pursuing the classical English poems.  
Good luck.

埃文河天鹅

你好loon, 谢谢你的阅读和评论。是的，我本来是想写一首sonnet。不是不懂十四行诗的规则，而是我根本做不到，所以我就写成了free verse.  所以按照十四行诗，甚至free verse的音律标准来衡量，这首诗的确不成功。
我在注释中写到写这首诗的初衷。太阳可以摘掉清晨的每一颗露珠，但却摘不掉我眼中的露珠。因为它比任何露珠更清澈更神圣！如果济慈在天有灵，觉得我这首还不配赞赏他，他一定会指点我，直到我写出更有力的作品来。
今天早上的思潮特别蓬勃奔涌。很久没有灵感了。问好！

埃文河天鹅

谢谢无心剑和靳乾！靳乾，一向可好？

Louisa

Sonnet 和宋词一样极讲究细则。现代人写诗读诗节奏变了。只要表达形式优美，意识有共鸣，都是可以欣赏的好诗。

Loon

今天早上的思潮特别蓬勃奔涌。很久没有灵感了。

这是写出一首好诗的必备条件吧。 我在卧龙的一个跟帖中提到Charles Bukowski是 一个颇具争议的人物， 他曾说："Don't Try", 并解释：

Somebody at one of these places [...] asked me: "What do you do? How do you write, create?" You don't, I told them. You don't try. That's very important: not to try, either for Cadillacs, creation or immortality. You wait, and if nothing happens, you wait some more. It's like a bug high on the wall. You wait for it to come to you. When it gets close enough you reach out, slap out and kill it. Or if you like its looks you make a pet out of it.

这也是一种观点吧。

Loon

我曾经也尝试着写过一首sonnet, 所以知道写成功是多么的不易。现代人写出许多variation, 但是读你这首，感觉你是按传统的方法写的，那我就按传统的规则来scan. Fair enough?

请欣赏这首contemporary sonnet

A Crazy Girl Brings the Rural Carrier a Dime

Every day she meets me at the mailbox, holding
Her hand out. It’s not the mail she wants.
I’ve tried to give it to her, but she won’t
Take it — just stretches her arm toward me, unfolding
Her fingers from the palm. And there’s the dime.
She wants me to have it. I ask her What do you need?
She won’t answer. She reaches toward me, shaking her head
Like there’s something we both know. Time after time

I’ve shrugged my shoulders at her and driven on.
A ten-cent stamp, a cigarette — nothing satisfies her.
Every day, no matter what, she’s there.
God, the way she looks, waiting for me in the rain!
Once I thought she followed me home. I started
To take her in my arms, hold her: Is that what you wanted?

T.R. Hummer

这是意大利/斯宾塞混合变体（structure and epiphany 结构和顿悟）- 意大利的 octave/sestet 结构和 斯宾塞 在 结尾斜体中的 epiphany， 以及韵式的转换。

你那首或可以再精雕细琢成传统的， 或再放开些写成contemporary variation sonnet， 或就这样不动。
It's your poem, it's up to you.

But  I did enjoy reading it.

All the best.

童天鉴日

Louisa 发表于 2010-12-4 11:59
Sonnet 和宋词一样极讲究细则。现代人写诗读诗节奏变了。只要表达形式优美，意识有共鸣，都是可以欣赏的好 ...

i feel the same way

自娱自乐

回复 埃文河天鹅 的帖子

我是个外行，不过喜欢凑凑热闹，呵呵呵

小天鹅，这是你贴得最好的一贴。读了这首诗后，我觉得蛮喜欢的，只是说不出道道来，惭愧啊！谢谢你的佳作！

宛城卧龙

天鹅兄 这首 中英文 都很好，写的非常用心，而且看得出也是化了很多心思来推敲。
希望 兄 继续保持这种创作 和 在翻译版批评的 一贯做风（当然还希望不要违反版规最好啊 呵呵）
这首选去在一本杂志 发表。
这段 看了几个韩剧 学会了两点
第一 就是 人不管到任何时候都要对自己说 加油
第二 就是  人不管遇到什么事情 都要面带 微笑

埃文河天鹅

谢谢诸兄！没有想过这个帖子这么拉风，连自娱自乐我这个“死敌”都恭维我，我还能说什么好呢？现在我倒希望它快快地沉下去，让我满足于一时的快乐，总比等到你们发现它丑陋不堪，改变了主意，让我永久地陷入欺世盗名的自责好吧。：）版主和各位朋友的鼓励和批评，我这里我一并谢过！