《中诗翻译笔会》第六期

宛城卧龙

做一个申明

每期的笔会：
采取自愿翻译原则，笔会不做强求。
可根据个人的时间来进行翻译。不要因为笔会影响了个人的工作学习时间，这也是我们不愿意看到的，这也和笔会的初衷不符。
另，在海外老师没有点评之前，大家可以针对不同翻译版本发表意见，批评讨论。
翻译不论好与不好，都是一个学习的过程，因为大家都在带着一份热情尽力去学习。

握手大家
问好

自娱自乐

建议：There should be a date for submission. No posting before that date.

嘉木子

提上

梧桐雨丝

蝴蝶
胡适

两只黄蝴蝶
双双飞上天
不知为什么
一个忽飞还
剩下那一个
孤单怪可怜
也无心上天
天上太孤单

THE BUTTERFLY
   梧桐雨丝试译
Two yellow butterflies
Flying up into the sky togher
You have no way to find out why
Suddenly one of them  fly back
Another have been run out on
Feel very lonely without companion
It is not in the mood to fly up
Because it is feeling too desolated

不好意思，水平太凹，英译中对俺来说太难，交卷迟了呀，这就欣赏学习诸位译文，第一次没偷看:P

梧桐雨丝

俺不敢评论，果然是各人的理解都不同，相比之下，感觉自己的啰嗦了

嘉木子

提上 坚持到底

嘉木子

梧桐女士的版本奉上

宛城卧龙

欢迎 梧桐雨丝 的译文

握手

海外逸士

梧桐雨丝译本：
THE BUTTERFLY

Two yellow butterflies
Flying up into the sky together
You have no way to find out why（意思不錯﹐可簡化。不需you）
Suddenly one of them  flies back
Another have been run out on (the other left alone)(when only two, one and the other, not another, which is used for more than two.)
Feeling lonely and pitiable (lonely =without companion)
It is not in the mood to fly up
Because it’s too desolated in the sky
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自娱自乐译本：
A pair of yellow butterflies,
Side by side flying high in the sky,
Yet do not know why (this is not a question)
One suddenly flies back
Away from the other,(away from may mean fly to another direction, not back)
That is so pitiable and lonely, alack,
Now the desire for the heavens, I lack, (why “I”? that’s a butterfly, it, not I.)
For it is so forlorn thither.  
---------------------------------------
嘉木子译本：
Butterfly

Do you see two yellow butterflies
Flying up together to the sky? （作者無疑問之意。）
But, I don't know why——
There is one coming back, abruptly! (no need to use “there is” here)
And yet the other one left there,
Very pitiful and lonely;  (To be is verb, seem is verb. No need to use two verbs here. Grammatically wrong.)
And in no mood to soar into the sky, (to float, not to floating.)
As in there it will feel very lonely.
-------------------------------------------------------
宛城卧龙译本：
1)Butterfly

Two yellow butterflies
Flying in pairs (two is a pair, not pairs. Better “side by side” or “together”) into the sky
somehow or other
Suddenly, back one flies
The other left alone
Is lonely and pitiful
Not in the mood for heaven
Heaven is too secluded

2)Butterfly

A couple of yellow butterflies,
In pairs, flying high in skies. (see above comment on pairs)
Do not know why? (this is not a question)
Suddenly, one makes a turn in flight
The other left alone
Is lonely and miserable thither.
Not in the mood for heaven,
For heaven is too lonely for certain.

各譯本基本達意﹐只是英文用詞得多加考慮。

我有一個問題﹕國內英文課上﹐語法教學達到什麼程度﹖1)基本語法都教了﹔2)多於基本語法﹔3)少於基本語法。

所謂基本語法主要包括1)八大詞類及各詞類的用法﹔2)句子基本結構﹐包括短語從句。

自娱自乐

原帖由 海外逸士 于 2009-5-24 2:23:00 发表
Yet do not know why (this is not a question)
One suddenly flies back
Away from the other,(away from may mean fly to another direction, not back)

Yes, this is not a question. Look!
The underlying meaning is "(the viewer) doesn't know why one (of butterflies) suddenly flies back....right? Is it a question?
same as the 'no way of knowing why',I deem.
Anyhow, thanks for your input!