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发表于 2010-7-19 03:07:00
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第十四帖:广义相对论者: 评江枫《醒来,九位缪斯》译诗中的误译
Unwind the solemn twine, and tie my Valentine! 请用庄严的藤蔓缠束我这瓦伦丁节情书!
光这一行诗里就有四个错误或失当处。
1、Unwind是“解开”“展开”的意思。江枫却干脆抛开不管,故意漏译。
2、solemn在这儿不宜译成“庄严的”。这个词有Formal; regular; uniform, grand, imposing; sumptuous(正式的,正规的,统一的,堂皇美妙的,豪华的)意思,江枫偏机械地译成“庄严的”。还和后面的twine搭配译成“庄严的藤蔓”。“藤蔓”和“庄严”搭配不当。
3、twine指的是“麻线;细绳”。江枫却译成“藤蔓”。
4、“情书”是什么?是书面的东西。可原文是Valentine。指“在情人节(二月十四日)赠送给情人的礼物(或情人卡)”。这种表达情意的礼物多种多样。玫瑰、珠宝、……当然也包括情书在内,绝非仅仅是一封“情书”。而江枫却认定Valentine只是情书。
这行诗的意思是:请展开精美的细绳,包扎好我的情人节礼物!
Oh the Earth was made for lovers, for damsel, and hopeless swain, 创造世界是为了恋人,姑娘和痴心的情郎,
5、原文was made,用的是被动态,江枫译成主动态,不妥。
6、原文hopless意思是:没有希望的、绝望的。江枫误译成“痴心的”。hopeless swain指的是找不着情人的男青年、绝望的男人等。不是“痴心的情郎”。都当了“情郎”,怎么还找不着情人呢?“痴心的”和“绝望的”两个词的差别还看不出来吗?
For sighing, and gentle whispering, and unity made of twain. 为了相思,温柔的耳语,合为一体的一双。
7、unity made of twain指的是“合二为一的整体”。狄金森在这里强调的是“整体”而非“一双”。江枫译成:“合为一体的一双”,不妥。因为这是一个偏正结构,在这个偏正结构里,中心词是“一双”,而狄金森要强调“一体”、“整体”,而非“一双”,所以江枫强调的恰恰和狄金森的强调相反了。
All things do go a courting, in earth, or sea, or air, 在陆地,在海洋,在空中,万物都在求爱,
God hath made nothing single but thee in His world so fair!上帝从不制造孤单,你却独活在他的世界!
8、God hath made nothing single but thee in His world so fair,是说:上帝在他美好的世界里只创造成双捉对的事物而不是独身的东西!万物都在求爱,因为万物都以既对立又统一的形式(unity)存在。江枫却译成:“上帝从不制造孤单,你却独活在他的世界!”什么叫“独活”?没有别人吗?上帝既然不制造“孤单”,何以又要制造孤单的你?
9、So fair(如此美丽的)被江枫漏译。
The bride, and then the bridegroom, the two, and then the one, 一个新娘,一个新郎,两个,成为一对,
10、then the one指融为一体,合为一体,即前面的unity。狄金森不是要强调一对或两个,而是强调合二为一。江枫译成“两个,成为一对”,译了等于没译:两个当然是一对,四个还是两对呢。应该译成:“两个成为一体”。
Adam, and Eve, his consort, the moon, and then the sun;
The life doth prove the precept, who obey shall happy be, 生活已证明这条箴言,谁听从谁有幸福,
11、who obey shall happy be的意思是:谁顺从(驯服)谁就会幸福。江枫译成“谁听从谁有幸福”有语病。“听从”应该有宾语。“这人很听从”,这在现代汉语里不通。改“听从”为“听话”倒还可以。
Who will not serve the sovereign, be hanged on fatal tree. 谁不向这君王臣服,将吊死在命运之树。
12、the sovereign指的是“上帝”,造物主。江枫译作“君王”,似单指人世的帝王,有误导性。原文be hanged是被动态,宜译作“被吊死”。江枫译作主动态,不妥。
这行诗的意思是:谁不为造物主效劳,谁就会被吊死在命运树上。
None cannot find who seeketh, on this terrestrial ball; 在这美妙的地球,谁寻找,谁能找到。
13、原文None cannot find who seeketh,用了双重的否定式,是狄金森的特殊的修辞方式,宜保留原文的表达方式。比如译作:凡追求者就绝不会一无所获。江枫却译作“谁寻找,谁能找到。”虽然意思没有错,特有的语言艺术特色却消失了。
14、terrestrial ball指“地球”,原文中没有“美妙的”这个用语。江枫凭空增添为“美妙的地球”。不对。
And they make merry wedding, whose guests are hundred leaves; 他们举行喜庆仪式,绿叶是祝贺的宾朋。
15、原文merry wedding,意为:欢乐的婚礼、结婚庆典。江枫却译作:喜庆仪式。喜庆仪式有许多种,针对不同的事物,不一定指婚礼。而这里点明只指婚礼,所以译作“喜庆仪式”不忠实于原意。
16、原文hundred leaves;指“成百上千的树叶”。江枫漏译“成百上千”(hundred)。同时,leaves译作“绿叶”,也不忠实于原文。何以见得leaves是百分之的“绿”叶?难道其他颜色的树叶就没有了吗?
这行诗的意思:他们举行结婚庆典,百叶千枝是贺禧的客人。
The worm doth woo the mortal, death claims a living bride, 蛆虫向凡人求婚,死亡要娶活的新娘,
17、原文worm意思很多。可指任何爬行类动物,包括蛇、龙类动物。可译作“爬虫”等。可江枫却竟然只译作“蛆虫”!完全无视这里还暗含圣经典故,即伊甸园里的蛇诱惑夏娃的故事。
18、原文death在这里是“死神”的意思,江枫却译作“死亡”!“蛆虫向凡人求婚”虽然滑稽,毕竟还是具体的事物;“死亡”却不是一种具体的东西,如何向“活的新娘”求婚?译者怎么对这种明显荒唐透顶的错误毫无感觉?,
And Earth is quite coquettish, and beseemeth in vain to sue.大地颇爱卖弄风情,
向她求婚未必合适。
19、原文beseemeth in vain to sue指的是“要想把她追求到手肯定是徒劳无益的”。江枫却误译作:向她求婚未必合适。
Now to the application, to the reading of the roll, 箴言,对你也适用,现在就点你的大名,
20、原文Now to the application指一种宗教程序,指对当事人的有关宗教要求进行处理,往往涉及到redemption 问题。而江枫却误译作“箴言,对你也适用”。谁也不知道他的这些翻译句子是打哪里冒出来的。
21、原文the reading of the roll指的也应该是与宗教相关的事,例如宣读被审判者的相关档案材料之类。江枫却翻译成:“现在就点你的大名”!完全是想当然的翻译。很可能是他把the reading of the roll当成了call the roll(点名)。于是张冠李戴地翻译成这个样子。
后面还有些问题,不评了,麻烦。
江枫的问题:随心所欲地增删原文,相当多的地方不忠实于原意。
狄金森原作:
Awake ye muses nine, sing me a strain divine,
Unwind the solemn twine, and tie my Valentine!
Oh the Earth was made for lovers, for damsel, and hopeless swain,
For sighing, and gentle whispering, and unity made of twain.
All things do go a courting, in earth, or sea, or air,
God hath made nothing single but thee in His world so fair!
The bride, and then the bridegroom, the two, and then the one,
Adam, and Eve, his consort, the moon, and then the sun;
The life doth prove the precept, who obey shall happy be,
Who will not serve the sovereign, be hanged on fatal tree.
The high do seek the lowly, the great do seek the small,
None cannot find who seeketh, on this terrestrial ball;
The bee doth court the flower, the flower his suit receives,
And they make merry wedding, whose guests are hundred leaves;
The wind doth woo the branches, the branches they are won,
And the father fond demandeth the maiden for his son.
The storm doth walk the seashore humming a mournful tune,
The wave with eye so pensive, looketh to see the moon,
Their spirits meet together, they make their solemn vows,
No more he singeth mournful, her sadness she doth lose.
The worm doth woo the mortal, death claims a living bride,
Night unto day is married, morn unto eventide;
Earth is a merry damsel, and heaven a knight so true,
And Earth is quite coquettish, and beseemeth in vain to sue.
Now to the application, to the reading of the roll,
To bringing thee to justice, and marshalling thy soul:
Thou art a human solo, a being cold, and lone,
Wilt have no kind companion, thou reap'st what thou hast sown.
Hast never silent hours, and minutes all too long,
And a deal of sad reflection, and wailing instead of song?
There's Sarah, and Eliza, and Emeline so fair,
And Harriet, and Susan, and she with curling hair!
Thine eyes are sadly blinded, but yet thou mayest see
Six true, and comely maidens sitting upon the tree;
Approach that tree with caution, then up it boldly climb,
And seize the one thou lovest, nor care for space, or time!
Then bear her to the greenwood, and build for her a bower,
And give her what she asketh, jewel, or bird, or flower --
And bring the fife, and trumpet, and beat upon the drum --
And bid the world Goodmorrow, and go to glory home! |
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