詠雪bilingual

无心剑

呵呵，俺也来凑凑热闹吧！

长恨歌

Song of Endless Grief

汉皇重色思倾国，
御宇多年求不得。
杨家有女初长成，
养在深闺人未识。

The Emperor craved for a beauty beyond all peers,
But found none across the empire for so many years.
The Yangs had a daugher like a newly-bloomed flower,
Unknown to the world, she was bred in her inner bower.

天生丽质难自弃，
一朝选在君王侧。
回眸一笑百媚生，
六宫粉黛无颜色。

Her natural beauty was so hard for her to hide
That one day she was chosen to the Emperor's side.
As she glanced back with a smile, so much charm flowed everywhere
That all belles in the six palaces were outshone into despair.

春寒赐浴华清池，
温泉水滑洗凝脂。
侍儿扶起娇无力，
始是新承恩泽时。

She was granted to bathe in Huaqing Pool in spring chilly,
The smoothly-flowing water washed her skin so creamy.
Upborne by her maids, she looked so frail and lovely
That she began to be favored by the Emperor so tenderly.

海外逸士

[這一句，形容詞与主語配對不正确。]
我在別的論壇上已經說過﹐不能用寫文章的思路來考慮寫詩譯詩。這就是內行與外
行的區別所在之一。

steaming love-gruel
自娛君的想象力非常豐富﹐是天然的詩人。問題是自己寫詩﹐隨便怎樣發揮﹐毫無
問題﹐但翻譯還得尊重原文。況且steaming 是不是太厲害了。你的手被蒸氣燙痛過
嗎﹖

With ineffaceable heavenly beauty of her own
既然已 heavenly beauty﹐ineffaceable是多余的。就像下面既然說了All beauties﹐
後面不需要強調though fair。詩總以簡潔為好。

玉樓宴罷醉和春
這裡的“春”字﹐不管是網上找到的解釋﹐或是前人的翻譯﹐都有做愛的意思。不
過有人用了個較不常用的詞﹐看上去不那麼顯眼。我用了過通俗詞。但現在我已經
改了。用了個加註的隱喻。這首長詩裡有許多語言難點﹐如果都跳過而不譯﹐這個
譯文就毫無意義了。而且必須簡潔﹐弄得一長串也意義不大。不然﹐人人都會譯的。
所以譯文要符合兩個要求﹕緊扣原文﹐語言簡潔。

前人翻譯我也看過﹐不見得比我的好﹐如果有人對翻譯的好壞還能分辨的話。

這次無形劍君的翻譯較好﹐基本簡潔﹐基本達意﹐當然沒有扣緊。最後句與原文出
入大。

其實﹐這種練習只有好處﹐沒有壞處。

自娱自乐

雲鬢花顏金步搖，
芙蓉帳暖度春宵；
春宵苦短日高起，
從此君王不早朝。

Rosy face with dark-cloud-hair, she walked around with her bling-bling,
At night under the hibiscus canopy the hot intimacy they were enjoying.
When the sun rose high, they whined why the spring night was so short.
Ever since the emperor neglected the morning councils at his court.


:P

自娱自乐

[這一句，形容詞与主語配對不正确。]
其實﹐這種練習只有好處﹐沒有壞處。
海外逸士 发表于 2010-2-17 2:46:00

Yes, I agree with you!

自娱自乐

Wow, bravo! hehehe, very well done!

铁_冰

呵呵，剑兄的译文中也有一处不够简洁：fair belles中的fair是多余的。

我的译文中的ineffaceable的确不好，倒不是因为与heavenly beauty重复，而是因为未能译出“自弃”之意。
先改成如下样子，有时间再精雕细刻。

Born with beauty hard to be neglected e'en by her own,
She's one day chosen to serve the emperor alone.
As she gazed back with a smile, her infinite grace lit on:
All belles in the six palaces, however fair, were outshone.

自娱自乐

呵呵，剑兄的译文中也有一处不够简洁：fair belles中的fair是多余的。

我的译文中的ineffaceable的确不好，倒不是因为与heavenly beauty重复，而是因为未能译出“自弃”之意。
先改成如下样子，有时间再精雕细刻。

Born with beauty hard to be neglected e'en by her own,
She's one day chosen to serve the emperor alone.
As she gazed back with a smile, her infinite grace lit on:
All belles in the six palaces, however fair, were outshone.

铁_冰 发表于 2010-2-17 8:34:00

呵呵呵，那铁皇上是不是‘明知故犯’啊，呵呵呵

自娱自乐

译得漂亮！

无心剑

谢谢铁兄指出，已删除多余的fair。

无心剑

最後句與原文出入大。

谢谢海外前辈批评指教，最后一句译文已作修改。